


Lord, I’m coming home.

by Owl_42



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, F/F, Family, First work - Freeform, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Original Character Death(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attack, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sucidal Thoughts (mention of), slow burn (kind of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25050997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owl_42/pseuds/Owl_42
Summary: 'Slices of life' set after the end of The Last Of Us Part II. Ellie comes back to Jackson and tries to rebuild her life, hopefully with Dina and JJ.There will brighter days, and darker ones, the farm, the letter, a trip back to the moon, and an original song by Ellie.[Spoilers for The Last Of Us Part I and II]
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 140





	1. Brighter Days

**Author's Note:**

> 1) I did my best to proofread my text, but I’m not a native English-speaker and it is my first work, so I may have left some mistakes. If you spot any, feel free to point them out, I will fix them!
> 
> 2) I have mixed feelings about the game. I never hated it, but, at first, on a purely emotional level, some parts were kind of a hard pill to swallow. Now, with a bit more distance and re-watching, I find the narrative fascinating, and pretty consistent with the characters’ arcs. I tried to render that in my writing.
> 
> 3) Enjoy!

Backpack on her shoulder, she stood at the gate of Jackson. From above the fence, men were pointing their rifle at her.

“Hands in the air!”

She obeyed, a nostalgic smile finding its way to her lips.

“Ellie?”

She looked up.

“Ellie, is that you?”

“Hi, Jonas!”

“Guys, it’s Ellie!”

The young woman felt the murmur echoing across the fence.

“Open the gate!”

The heavy board of metal slowly spun, and Ellie was soon drowned into bruising hugs, while overwhelming cheers knocked her out.

“Okay, okay… Enough! Enough! Let me breathe!”

The crowd took a few steps back, and Ellie let her gaze roam across all the faces that surrounded her. Some new ones, some forgotten ones, some she never thought she’d be happy to see again. Seth didn’t seem to have aged, while Jonas wasn’t a boy playing in the snow anymore.

“Let me through!”

Ellie recognized Maria’s voice immediately, and, before she could run for her life, the older woman had her in a tight hug.

“God, Ellie...”

“Hi, Maria.”

“What… Where… How...”

“Yeah, something like that.”

Though Ellie tried to smile, a concerned frown made her made way to Maria’s face.

“Come, we’ll talk in my office.”

She let herself be dragged, not unhappy to be freed from all the attention her arrival caused. However, she quickly stopped.

“Wait. First, I have to know. Is Dina...”

“She is...”

“I’m here.”

Ellie breathe froze, while her heartbeat skyrocketed. Slowly, she turned around. There she was. _Dina_ . Her face was unreadable. Her hand squeezing another, smaller hand. JJ’s hand. _JJ._ The little boy was now on his feet, and he looked at Ellie with a confused yet curious light in his eyes.

Ellie wanted to say something, anything, but she just couldn’t. There was a lump in her throat, and tears were rolling down her face. Her ears were buzzing, and her knees weak.

“Here. Get inside.”

Maria opened the door of her office, and Ellie collapsed on the first chair.

“I’ll get you both something to eat!”

Several minutes passed, only occupied by Ellie’s ragged breathing and JJ’s joyful babble. The young woman could feel the anger and the sadness irradiating from Dina, and it broke her heart.

_You deserve it, Ellie! You left her! You left them!_

Maria’s presence was, once she came back with a plate full of food, warmer, gentler, but the old leader was eager to have some answers too. Yet, she offered:

“Do you want me to leave you two alone? I can take JJ if you want.”

_Yes._

“No. No… You both want to know what happened...”

Dina scoffed, and muttered under her breathe:

“I don’t know about that...”

Though her eyes were still on her boots, Ellie could feel Maria silently scolding Dina, just like she felt the younger woman rolling her eyes.

“It is not a story I’ll be able to tell more than once. Not right now, at least. So, if there is at least a small part of you that wants to know, please stay.”

Neither Dina nor Marie moved, so Ellie took a deep breath, ready to start her painful story, but nothing came out.

She was a bad-ass, she was a survivor, she was a killer, a fighter. Why was it so hard? She felt stuck. She was stuck on a tightrope, on the edge of a snowy cliff, struggling to find her balance, while the smallest gust of wind could rush her into the void.

“I… I’m sorry...”

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

She tried again, and, though she was not more successful, she understood what was holding her back.

“Is Tommy here?”

“No. He comes here, from time to time, but he took a small cabin, outside Jackson. I was going to send a patrol in his sector, to tell him you are back.”

“Good. Also… Have the riders tell him that…that…”

Ellie squeezed the armchair even harder, refusing to look either Maria or Dina in the eyes. She felt bad, really bad. Now, she understood better how and why Joel had lied to her, and how difficult it had surely been for him. Yet, she saw no other choice. She had made her decision. She couldn’t waste the rest of her life – that life Joel offered her – tracking Abby, spreading death and destruction in her path, fueling the cycle of violence. She wouldn’t. But, Tommy… Tommy needed another form of closure. And she could give it to him. It would be her burden, but it was fair. Or, at least, it was the closest she could get from fair.

“Have the riders tell Tommy that she is dead. Tell everybody she is dead if you have to.”

“She being...”

“Abby, yes. The woman who killed Joel. And Jesse. The woman who shot and crippled him.”

“But she is not, is she? Dead, I mean.”

This time, Ellie looked up, even though it was just for a short second.

“No. No, she isn’t.”

Dina swore under her breathe, angrier than ever. Maria herself couldn’t repress a surprised noise. But, once again, none of the women moved. Dina didn’t storm off, Maria sat still. So Ellie started her story, from the moment she left Wyoming, to that beach in Santa Barbara, and the trip back to Jackson.

“I could have killed her, but… I don’t know… At the last moment, I saw him. I remembered him. Joel. He was sitting there on the porch, playing on his guitar, and… I just couldn’t. It didn’t felt right, anymore… It didn’t felt wrong either, it just felt pointless, vain… I let her go, and she left with the kid…”

From the corner of her eye, Ellie saw Dina shake her head, while Maria, eyes closed, was pinching her nose, exhaling slowly through the mouth.

“So I came back to the farm I… I don’t know what I was thinking… Given how I left, you could have shot me on sight that I wouldn’t have been surprised, nor outraged. I…”

There were so many things she wanted to say to Dina but now wasn’t the time. She needed a shower and a check from the infirmary, maybe some sleep too, while Dina probably needed to process all that. Besides, Maria was still in the room.

“Anyway, the only thing I could do was coming back to Jackson, hoping, praying, begging, to whatever gods maybe, that you would welcome me back.”

“Of course.”

Maria cracked her a reassuring smile, but they all knew that “you” meant not only Maria and the Jackson community, but above all Dina and JJ. _Dina_ , whose face was still unreadable, closed.

“To come back, I went through the ninth and eighth sectors. A handful of clickers and runners. I took them out, but...”

“Thank you. I will notice the patrols. And I’ll send one at Tommy’s. Meanwhile, Ellie, you should go to the infirmary.”

“Yes, of course…”

She stood up and went for the door. The room was silent. JJ was asleep on Dina’s lap.

“And, Ellie?”

“Yeah?”

“Welcome back.”

“Tanks.”

Seated on one of the infirmary beds, Ellie was putting on her boots. Doctor Martin had cleared her up, and, despite the offer to stay and rest a little while longer, she had decided to leave. She had never like infirmaries, anyway.

Yet, someone knocking on the curtain displaced all around her bed, to preserve her intimacy, stopped her.

“Yes?”

_Please, be Dina, please, be Dina._

“Can I come in?”

It wasn’t Dina.

“Sure.”

A young woman, about eighteen years old, step forward, nervously playing with a strain of blonde hair.

“Hi, Ellie!”

“Hi, Jennifer!”

“You okay? I mean, of course, you’re not okay _okay_! But, like… I mean...”

Ellie couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“It’s okay, Jen. I’m fine. You can breathe.”

Jennifer had arrived at Jackson a few months back, all alone and badly injured, but alive. How such a shy and clumsy person had made it to the small town was still a mystery to Ellie, but she liked the younger woman, though they had never spent an extended period of time together, as she arrived just when Dina and her begun restoring the farm, before moving there.

“What do you want, Jen?”

“Well, I wanted to see you, of course, welcome you back and all, and also ask if there was anything I could do for you.”

“Thanks, but I’m good.”

“You’re sure? Because I feel a bit bad. I’m mean, I’m taking your old studio, and now you have nowhere to sleep. I mean, I’m sure Maria would let you borrow her guest room, but I’m sure it is not the same! What if I go to Mille’s house? Yes, we could do that… I’ll sleep at Millie’s, so you can…”

“Stop, Jen! Stop! It is not my home anymore. I gave you the keys, when Dina and I moved to the farm, remember?”

“Yes, but...”

“Agh! I really appreciate the gesture, really, but I’ll be fine. Promise.”

“Are you...”

“I’m sure!”

“Maybe...”

“Don’t worry, Jennifer. Ellie will stay at my place, at least for tonight, and then we’ll see. Nobody gets to kick you at of your own home, not even yourself.”

_Dina!_

There she was, casually leaning against the wall, her arms crossed, her face still unreadable. But maybe that was because Ellie lost her touch at reading Dina? That though alone crushed her heart and left her choking on her breathe.

“Oh, hi Dina. Sorry, I didn’t want to keep you waiting or anything.”

“You didn’t!”

“Oh. Okay. Well, I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure you have a lot of things to discuss. Not that I… I mean… Hum…”

“Goodbye, Jen! Thank you for coming!”

“Bye Ellie, bye Dina.”

With that, Jennifer exited the small room, and Dina took her place, closing the curtain behind her.

“She is such a nice soul! Almost too nice for this world! I still wonder how she survived all those years, by herself.”

Ellie’s tone was purposefully casual, despite her heart going crazy in her chest. Needless to say that Dina picked up on her strategy. Yet, she decided to play along.

“Yeah… But she is an amazing medic, and she definitively knows her way around a gun. She was alone almost all her life, that’s why she is a bit awkward around other people, she doesn’t know how too behave. Plus, I think that she is afraid of being left alone once again, that may be why she is overly nice to everyone.”

“Yeah… That’s kinda sad...”

“Everyone’s backstory is kinda sad, around here.”

“You’re right.”

Silence fell, awkward, heavy.

“So… hum… how are you doing?”

Dina scoffed:

“How am I doing? I have no fucking idea how am I doing! But even if I had, I’m not sure you’d get the right to ask me that!”

“Of course… No… I’m sorry… Hum… How… How is...”

She wanted to ask how JJ was doing, but Dina would probably answer that she didn’t get to ask that either.

_And she would be right! I left them!_

Even though the farm was near Jackson, and Dina was more than able to take care of herself, Ellie still abandoned her and her child – _their_ child – in this violent and unforgiving world.

“JJ is fine if that’s what you were going to ask.”

“Oh. Good. That’s good.”

“Yeah, that’s good.”

“…And, how is...”

“Damn it, Ellie! Are you seriously gonna ask me how everyone is doing? Like, individually? If so, I’m leaving right away, because, it is not how I want to spend my time!”

Under Dina’s angry gaze, Ellie froze. Suddenly, there was this urge to kiss her senseless. But she knew she couldn’t. Dina would probably punch her, and even if she didn’t… As tempting as it was, make-up sex wouldn’t fix anything, on the contrary.

“Sorry… I don’t know how to do that…”

“Do what, Ellie?”

 _Us. But there is no ‘us’. Not anymore. Because I left._

“I don’t know what to do with myself… I want everything to go back the way it was… I want that so bad… But I know it won’t. It can’t. Because of me. Because of all those things I did, and all those I didn’t.”

Ellie swallowed hard, as tears began to roll down again. Anger and hate used to hold them back, but not anymore.

“And yet, I can’t let go of that small hope, that maybe… just maybe…”

Ellie couldn’t finish her sentence. She didn’t know how to. And, this time, Dina didn’t push it. Once again, silence fell.

“Did… Did you mean it? When you said I could stay at your house, at least for tonight?”

“Well, technically, it’s Robin’s house, and she is the one who insisted, but yes, I meant it.”

“Oh. Well, thanks.”

“Of course.”

Dina nodded.

“So, see you tonight?”

“See you tonight.”

Ellie crouched in front of the stone, trying hard not to cry.

“If I learned anything, from all that shit, is that any kind of justice you can get is good, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of protecting and caring for the people you love. The dead stay dead, no matter what. You can’t let them haunt you – which I did, unfortunately –without becoming a ghost yourself. And ghosts can’t be there for the ones that still live, the ones they cherish, the ones they love. I let your death drive me from away everything that really matters to me, and to you too. I know I already told you, but I forgive you. I forgave you, long ago, even though I didn’t even know myslef. But now… Now, I feel like I finally understand, truly, why you did what you did… It’s… It’s not something I can’t put in words, it’s a feeling of some sort. Anyway… You had an impossible choice to make. An impossible choice between two bad options. Somehow, I want to believe that you knew your past decisions – this one, or others – could come back bite you in the ass, one day. Somehow, I want to believe you accepted it. I think it would make it easier for me to do the same. It may be a bit selfish, but, hey, you do know a thing or two about being selfish, so do you mind, if I try?”

Of course, no response came, and Ellie chuckled sadly.

“You know, Sam once asked me about the afterlife, and, well, I basically told him that despite wanting to believe in it, I couldn’t. It was the truth. Plain and simple. I didn’t know he had been bitten back then. If I had, I would have tried to be a bit more reassuring. Or maybe not. I mean, we both know I can be a bit blunt, from time to time, and it is not like I could truly, fully understand his dread of turning. Anyway, I still don’t believe in all this afterlife bullshit, and I know that any kind of visions of you I may have had, all those flashes and flashbacks I still have from time to time, are just tricks from my fucked up mind. But, just in case it is not, just in case you can hear me, somewhere, know that I’m sorry. Sorry for being mad at you for so long, sorry for not trying to understand sooner, sorry for shutting you out, and, of course, sorry for not being there in time to save you, but you already know all of that, right? Today, what I’m most sorry for, is throwing away the life you gave me, the life you gave us. So, yeah, sorry. Another thing I learned the hard way: in this world, holding grudges and being angry is a luxury we can’t afford, especially not when it is towards people we love, and when you have the fortune to find something, or someone, that makes you happy, you gotta hold on to it, no matter what. I wish I had understood that sooner.”

Ellie sighed, closing her eyes and pinching her nose bridge, trying to keep her sobs at bay.

“On a side note, and despite all my reservation, I want to believe that you are somewhere with Sara, and her mother, your wife. I can only hope Jesse is there too. And Sam, and Henri. Tess, Riley. All of them. All the people we lost, all the people we loved. I want to believe that, one day, I can get there too. And, when I do, I want you to be proud of me. There is probably a lot of work on that one, so, I’ll get done to it. So, hum… Thank you, Joel. Thank you for everything, and sorry for all the rest.”

Wiping her tears, Ellie stood up. She had one last friend to see. One last grave.

“Hi, Jesse… My sorry ass found its way back home, somehow… God, Jesse, I’m so sorry! So sorry for… for everything! You would have deserved a better friend. If you can be, I’m sure you are massively pissed at me, with reason… I’m mean, first I stole your girl, then I managed to drag you – though unwillingly – into that mess that got you killed, before you could even see your child, and then, after everything, I just left them…”

A bitter chuckle escaped Ellie’s mouth, as tears kept rolling down her cheeks.

“I truly am sorry… I know you loved her. And I love her too. I haven’t done a very good job so far, but I do want to make things right from now on. I don’t know if Dina and I will ever go back together. I want to say that it is up to her, but the truth is, it is not. Though the final decision is hers, I’m gonna have work for it. But, even if we don’t, I want you to know that, from now on, I’ll always be there for her, and him. Always. I won’t ever leave them again.”

“Be careful Ellie, one would say it is dangerous to make a promise like that on a friend’s grave.”

The young woman jumped and turned around. An old lady was standing there, a sad smile on her lips.

“Oh… Hum… Hi, Robin.”

Robin. Jesse’s mom. JJ’s grandmother.

“Hi, Ellie.”

“Do you want me to leave you alone, or...”

“You just said you wouldn’t leave ever again.”

“No, I meant...”

“Oh, I know what you meant, Ellie!”

The old woman’s fingers find their way to Ellie's shoulder. For several minutes, they both watch, in silence, Jesse’s gravestone.

“Dina told me I could stay at your house. Are you sure you’re good with that?”

“Of course I am! I’ve already told you before, I’ll tell you again: Jesse’s friends are always welcomed into my house. I know that I, along with my dear late husband, may have been a bit too overwhelming that day, when we visited you, at the farm, and for that I’m sorry, but we were well-intentioned. You, Dina, and JJ are family, you are always going to be family. So of course you can stay!”

“Even after everything that happens?”

Robin sighed:

“I can’t say I’m thrilled you left, of course, but… You are here now, that is what matters. You see, Ellie, I haven’t always been that old lady smoking her cigar on the rocking chair in front of the Tipsy Bison. I know what it is like to be young, I know what it is like to live and survive outside. I have done things I am not proud of, things that drove me away from people I loved. Yet Jackson still welcomed me and my family, God granted us the chance to have a son, to see him grow and become a man, a chance to be happy, at least for a little while. Not giving you the benefit of the doubt, not giving you a second chance now would be pure hypocrisy.”

Ellie sniffled. She was getting teary again.

“Thank you.”

Yet, there was still one thing, one thing Ellie feared to speak but that needed to be said:

“I… I didn’t kill her. Abby. I could have. But I didn’t.”

Robin squeezed Ellie’s shoulder harder, almost painfully, but, after a few second, her grip relaxed, as the grieving mother and wife sighed:

“Well, I’m sure you had your reasons. Could you walk me home, now?”

“Of course!”

***

JJ was in his bed, Robin had already retired to her room, and Ellie and Dina were doing the dishes, in silence. Back at the farm, they would have chatted, or Dina would have put on some music, or Ellie would have started singing. But not here, not anymore. Yet, as they saw the stars rising from the small window above the kitchen sink, the silence was just a bit lighter than it was, a few days earlier.

Since she came back, Ellie was biting her tongue to prevent herself from saying something stupid. Something like “You remember when...”. Something like “I shouldn’t have…”. Something like “I love you.”.

“How did it go with Tommy?”

It was the first time Dina was the one starting a conversation, and Ellie couldn’t stop a rocket of hope from exploding in her chest, despite the heavy topic.

“It was hard.”

“For you or for him?”

“For both, I think.”

“You lied?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Ellie knew Dina didn’t agree with her choice.

“I… I’m not sure… It just felt righter, I guess?”

“You gotta do better than that, Ellie.”

On their first evening, the young mom had established a complete honesty policy. It was, to Dina, the only way she could begin to understand why Ellie did what she did, what she had gone through, what she was still going through. With understanding, there was the hope of forgiving, and the hope of rebuilding something good, something strong, something sane.

Ellie sighed:

“It wasn’t a lie, not completely. In a way, the woman who killed Joel and Jesse and who shot Tommy was dead by the time I get to her. When I found her… She was injured, she had been tortured. She didn’t want to fight anymore. I had to force her, by threatening that kid she was traveling with. Despite that, and even after I almost drowned her, she just walked away with him.”

“And that excuses everything she did?”

“No. Of course not. But…”

Ellie inhaled, her heart hammering in her chest, an acid feeling burning in her stomach. What she was about to say wasn’t easy, far from it, but, intellectually, she knew it was the truth, a part of the truth, at least. A part of the truth asking to be spoken.

“Take Joel, for instance. As harsh as it may be, in a way, he wasn’t that much better than her. Though I don’t know the specifics, I know that from the moment he lost his daughter on Outbreak Day to the day we came back to Jackson, he did some morally twisted things. One might say that the only difference between him and someone like Abby is the fact that he got his redemption. He was offered a way to redeem and better himself.”

“Thanks to you.”

“Well, I don’t want to sound arrogant, or anything, but yeah. Joel and I saved each other, in more than one way. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without him, and I like to think that it works – _worked_ – the other way around too. Despite all that, I lost my way somewhere down the road. It took me way too long to realize it, but going after Abby isn’t what Joel would have wanted. At least not given the way I did it, and everything I lost doing so. Don’t take me wrong, I won’t ever be able to forgive Abby for what she did, but, I’m not better than her either. Not anymore. I may even be worse, I don’t know. If I had killed her, I would have been worse than her, that’s for sure.”

“Ellie, don’t…”

“No, it is true. It is what I feel. Full disclosure, right?”

Slowly, Dina nodded, so Ellie picked up:

“She wanted to make Joel suffer for whatever he did to her – she was a Firefly, so it obviously has to do with Saint-Mary’s hospital, but I sense something personal too. She did murder him. And for that, she is unforgivable. Yet, she let me walk away. Twice. On two distinct occasions, she let me walk away, even though it would have been way easier for her, for everyone, to just kill me too. She also let _you_ go too, back at the theater, when she had all the reasons to shot all of us to death, after what I did. Me? I killed her friends in cold blood! I butchered Nora! I stabbed to death a pregnant woman! And the father-to-be!”

“Not on purpose! It was a very delicate situation, and, from what I understood, you didn’t really have a choice! Plus, she still shot Jesse.”

“Yes. Like I said, I can’t forgive her for what she did – to Jesse, to Joel, to Tommy – just like she probably can’t forgive me for what I, or Joel, did to her, to her friends, to her family. But…”

Ellie sighed, frustrated. Her thoughts and feelings were so confused, and yet they seemed to be battling their way out.

“I… I don’t know how to say this Dina, I… Intellectually, even if every fiber of my body rejects that, all of that, I know. I know that Abby probably had as many reasons to go after Joel than I had to go after her. I know she thought making Joel pay would bring her peace, even if I’m not sure it has. I know that her boy might have the same effect I had on Joel. I know she might be able to be better. And that hurts Dina. It hurts, and it makes me angry, so angry, so mad, I want to scream. It makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking that Joel’s killer is not the monster I want her to be, makes me so sick, Dina! Yet, somehow, in a way, I know it is the truth. Plus, if I can’t consider the possibility she might be redeemable, then, how can I even believe I can redeem myself and get better? And if I don’t believe that, then…”

Ellie choked on her breathe. Anguish clearly pierced in her voice, she was as sweaty as she was teary.

Out compassion, out of love, Dina’s hand found hers, and it was a bit easier to breathe.

“Do you want to stop talking, for tonight?”

“Do you want to?”

“If you do, yes. If not, I still have one more question.”

“Go ahead.”

“Why not explain that to Tommy? Why lying to him?”

“Because he wouldn’t understand. I hardly understand it myself, and I know you have a hard time wrapping your head around all that too. And that’s okay. I mean, it doesn’t make sense. After everything I did, everything I sacrificed, all the people I dragged with me, all the people I hurt and killed to get there, all promises I made and didn’t hold… Joel’s death, our thirst for revenge – Tommy’s and mine – turned both of us to ghosts, to mere shreds of human being only able to haunt – well, hunt actually – our enemy, Abby. Until we weren’t. I got to hunt her, and despite all the pain, misfortune, and calamity it brought upon me, I found some kind of peace, or, at least, some kind of clarity. Now, I slowly learning how to be human again, how to be whole. Tommy is stuck in that ghost-like state, and his injury makes him even more bitter. To him, Abby reaped the best parts of him, first by killing his brother, and then by taking away his ability to walk properly, to fight, to hunt, to protect his wife, his family, the people he loves. His injury is a constant reminder of that. Plus, it prevents him from going after her, seeking some kind of retribution through revenge.”

Ellie paused for a few seconds, seeking her words.

“It’s… It is hard to express with words, it is more of a feeling, a presentiment. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it is just me being selfish, maybe I’m going for the easier on a short term, but… The only way I see to bring him back, to help him move on, is for me to offer him the head of said demon.”

“Metaphorically speaking, of course.”

Ellie chuckled:

“Of course.”

There was a beat of silence, before Ellie asked, carefully:

“Does that make any sense?”

“No. But, what you said rarely do, so...”

They both chuckled, finding a comforting familiarity in the teasing.

“I shouldn’t have left...”

Ellie froze the moment the words left her lips. She had lost her focus. She hadn’t bit her tongue strongly enough. Before she could take it back, or at least rephrased it, Dina muttered:

“Yeah, no kidding!”

“I mean… I...”

“You know, it really is ironic!”

“What… What do you mean?”

“This! All of this! Somehow, one of the things I get from all of that talk, is that the only way for you to figure it out you should have stayed was to leave! …That is so messed up!”

“Yeah...”

“But it doesn’t excuse anything! You still left!”

“I know… And for that, I’m sorry.”

Dina shook her head, then sighed:

“I know.”

***

It quickly became a ritual. Once JJ put to bed, Ellie and Dina would do the dishes, in silence, or with small talks. Sometimes, they would even sit at the table or on the sofa to finish the discussion.

Ellie slept in Jesse’s old room, Robin was in hers, and Dina had settled in the guest room with her son. Ellie also kept a respectful distance with JJ. She greatly enjoyed playing with him, singing to him, or just help around, but always under Dina’s watch. They never spoke about it though, it was just how things fell into place, and Ellie didn’t dare to question them.

“I have a patrol, tomorrow, so I’ll leave early.”

“Oh. I taught alone or young moms were excused from patrol duty.”

“Well, I’m not exactly all alone, and I’m not the younger mom around here anymore. You right, though. Ideally, I wouldn’t have to go outside, but we are kind of short-staffed these days. Besides, it is just a scavenging tour, the sector has already been cleaned out a few days ago. Plus, quite frankly, despite my unwillingness to be apart from JJ, I think I could use a breath of fresh air.”

“Oh.”

“Speaking of JJ, could you take in at Jennifer’s place in the morning? Robin has an appointment with the doctor quite early too.”

“Yes, yes, of course!”

Jennifer often baby-sat the kids who weren’t old enough to go to day-care, and she really likes JJ.

“Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me, I...”

Dina glared at her. Once again, Ellie may have spoken a bit to fast.

“I mean… I… Hum…Of course, that would be my pleasure.”

The silence grew slightly more awkward.

“Hum… I have training with Jonas, Lily, Hugo, and all the teens tomorrow! And then, Amy asked me to give her a hand at the library.”

“That is great.”

“Yes, it is.”

And it was, though everything wasn’t perfect yet.

Despite her protests, Maria insisted on treating her Ellie any new inhabitant of Jackson, therefore she couldn’t go on patrol just yet. She wasn’t happy about that but, she had to admit that, in many ways, she was a newcomer, of some sort. Just like newcomers, she had just crossed harsh territories roamed by infected and violent militias. Therefore, she was still in alone survivor mode. Just like them, she didn’t truly know a lot of people within Jackson. Indeed, apart from Dina, Maria, and Robin, every other person who might have been close to her were gone – one way or another – while she came across new faces every day. She knew and trusted most of Jackson’s inhabitants way more than any regular newcomer would, of course, but it just wasn’t the same as it used to be. Plus, her injured hand redefined her place in the town, and the jobs she could pretend to. She was still a very good marksman, no doubt on that, and she definitively could still fight – she had beaten the crap out of several teenagers, including Jonas and Hugo, a few days back – but she wasn’t completely used to her wound, and some tasks were now more delicate. There was also the fact that she lost a lot of weight on her trip to Santa Barbara, and even though she was getting better, she hadn’t recovered her full strength yet. 

JJ in one arm, she knocked on Jennifer’s door.

“Hi!”

“Hi, Ellie! There, let me take him. Do you want to come in? I don’t have coffee, but I have some tea. Unless you prefer apple juice? I’m sorry, I finished my last bottle of orange juice, this morning, but...”

“Thank you, Jen. Some tea would be nice.”

“Sure? I surely could...”

“Jennifer, I’d love some tea!”

Ellie sat on the couch. JJ was already playing at her feet, on the rug, while Jennifer was putting water to boil. Ellie reached to a pile of books.

 _Psychology For Dummies. How to deal with traumatic events? Testimony of a broken loner. How to make friends? A medical guide to treat_ … something, the corner of the cover was missing.

Ellie, intrigued, skimmed the books. It was very far from the comics she enjoyed reading, but some words, some sentences, caught her attention.

“Hey, Jen? Where do those books come from?”

The younger women blushed fiercely.

“Hum… They are mine… I… I found them… In an old building, I stayed for a few days, and I kept them… I wanted to give them to the library, but Amy told me that they were looking for children's books, so… I thought about giving them to the infirmary, but I was afraid they laugh at me… It is not medicine, _per se_ so… Hum… But they’re helping me… A bit… I don’t know, I just… Yeah…”

Ellie couldn’t help but smile.

“Well, I haven’t read them yet, but they seem interesting. I’m sure they could help a lot of people around here.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“I…”

Ellie hesitated a few seconds, her heart hammering in her chest.

“I feel bad to ask that, but… Could I borrow you one?”

It has been a while since her voice had been so small and under-confident. She wasn’t used to ask help, she didn’t like to.

“Yes, yes of course!”

“Thanks!”

Ellie quickly found herself a passion for psychology. She read Jennifer’s books until late at night when she couldn’t sleep, when she couldn’t get Joel, or Jesse, or Tommy, or Riley out of her mind. She learned that therapies were a big thing, back in the days, and easily self-diagnosed herself a PTSD.

_Not that is an excuse, whatsoever…_

Putting words – whether it was “re-experiencing”, “panic attack” or “survivor guilt” - on her symptoms and traumas, helped her. It made things easier to talk about, at first with Jennifer, and then with Dina, sometimes even with Maria and Robin. The books were added to Jackson’s library and, against all odds, were met with resounding success.

With Jennifer’s help and Dina’s support, Ellie, slowly but surely, got back to playing guitar. At first, it had been hard, both technically and mentally. Yet, despite her dread of flashes, she kept practicing, and, though she hadn’t recovered her previous level, she was progressing every day.

An indistinct noise woke Dina up in the middle of the night. By her side, JJ was still asleep, and everything now seemed silent. Yet, Dina decided to check. It has been years since the last intrusion in Jackson, yet, as the old saying went, better safe than sorry. A knife in her hand, she slowly came down the stairs. The lamp in the living room was turned on, and Ellie was sitting there, on the sofa, immobile, a hand clenched around her forearm, the one with the tattoo, the burn, the bite.

“Ellie? Are you okay?”

The young woman startled, but her face softened as soon as she saw Dina.

“I’m fine. I fell asleep with the book in my hand, and when I woke up, it fell on the ground. Did it wake you up? I’m sorry!”

“Don’t be, it’s okay. Do… Do you want to talk about it?”

Ellie sighed:

“I don’t know. I… I don’t even remember what my nightmare was about. It does that sometimes.”

“Okay.”

Dina, having put the knife away, came to sit by Ellie’s side. She knew she probably shouldn't, but she did it anyway. Maybe it was the sleep that numbed her brain, that melted the armor she built around her heart. Or maybe it was just Ellie’s face, lost and sad, and the way it brighten when she had entered the room.

“Back then, back when Joel and I first met, I was… I wanted my immunity to be useful. I mean, I still do, but… Back then, I didn’t care about dying. On the contrary. I would have willingly chosen death, if it meant a chance, no matter how small, to cure the infection. I couldn’t see myself taking any more shit life could throw at me, anyway. In a year or so, my best friend got bitten saving my life, I watched her losing her mind, and I ended up having to shoot her. Then, I crossed the whole fucking country to go to that hospital, leaving a trail of death and violence behind me. Tess died. Sam and Henri died. I’m taken by some cannibals and their pedophile leader. I butchered him – David. I… The only thing that allowed me not to lose it completely, was the idea, the foolish hope that I’ll make a difference, that the vaccine they could get from me would somehow make up for… for everything! For all the death, all the suffering! At that point, I didn’t know it meant dying, but, as I said, I wouldn’t have cared anyway. But then, that hope is taken away from me. You probably remember, but during my first months at Jackson, despite everyone’s best efforts, I was in a very dark place.”

“… The chemical burn...”

Ellie nodded, sadly.

“Though it turned out to be quite effective, the primary goal wasn’t just to hide the bite from everyone else, so they wouldn’t freak out or anything. I… I wanted more than that. I wanted to destroy it. I wanted to destroy not only the mark itself but the immunity behind it. I wanted to destroy everything it entailed. I wanted to destroy myself.”

“Oh, Ellie…”

“Yeah… But, with time, as Joel promised me, the feelings – the guilt, the anger, the uselessness – became lighter, easier to cope with. Somehow, you, Joel, Kat, Jesse, Tommy, Maria, helped me. With you, with all of you, life suddenly felt worth fighting for, despite my sudden lack of greater purpose, despite my immunity. In more than one way, you saved me. Those feelings never completely went away, of course. Sometimes little things, like that tag on the wall of the old museum, would bring them back. But, overall I was happy to be alive, you know. Then, I found out the truth, and it hurt, so, so bad. It hurt more than anything I’ve ever had to endure before.”

“That is about when you broke up with Kat, right? That is why you broke up with her, isn’t it? You were shutting everybody out. Again.”

“I tried to. But it didn’t work, at least not as much as I wanted to. First of all, you were pretty determined not to leave me alone. And, somehow, my life here, at Jackson, my happiness, blunted my resolve to die. If I was sure they could find a vaccine, I think I would’ve still sacrificed myself. But, faced with the uncertainty of the outcome, I wasn’t as sure as I used to be. And it made me feel bad. It made me feel like I was betraying all the people who, willingly or not, gave their lives so I could get to the Fireflies. I felt selfish, I felt guilty. And I was mad, so mad at Joel, Dina… I…I couldn’t…”

Ellie’s breathing was shaky, so Dina’s hand found Ellie’s. A lifebelt to cling on to.

“Abby did not only robbed me from the father figure I loved and trusted, and yet treated so coldly out of anger and guilt, she also robbed me from the chance of making amends with him, the chance of figuring out, with him, with you, with all of you, the life he gave me, the choices he made. I was getting there. I truly was getting there, when he died…Very much thanks to you, actually!”

“Me? How so?”

“When you kissed me, that night, at the party, I… I mean, at the time I thought it didn’t mean anything, but still, I… I don’t know… I felt hopeful, not only towards _us_ but towards everything. Well, after the kiss, there was this all thing with Seth, and I was a bit pissed at Joel, but after that, we talked. It was just a few words, trivial and meaningless words, but it felt like the beginning of something. For the first time, in a long time, I was willing to put my anger aside, willing to try to understand why he did what he did, try to forgive him, even. I was hopeful.”

“But it was all cut short by Abby.”

“It was. Therefore, catching her, avenging Joel, felt even more right somehow. And, ironically, in the end, it helped me understand why Joel did it. Why he saved me, why he lied. Or, maybe not. I mean, it is not like I could ever ask him, right? But, at the very least, it helped me come to terms with what Joel did.”

“Care to share?”

It was hard, for Ellie. She had never been one to go on about her feelings, and the recent events make it even harder. But she had no other choice. Talking was the first step towards healing – at least, that what she read in all the psychology books she now devoured. What she couldn’t do with Joel, she would do it with Dina. They would talk. They would heal. They would get better. Together.

_Together…_

“The world… This world is fucked up. And not just because of the infected. It may have started this way but, now… The outbreak revealed the worst in mankind, but instead of trying to contain the damage, we kept pushing. We all did terrible things to survive, we’ve killed, we’ve robbed, we’ve maimed, but that’s not it. It’s not just about surviving anymore. Communities have been built, some of them are peaceful, some are pretty wealthy and all, but somehow, it is not enough, it is never enough. There will always be some people, some communities to want more, more power, more territory, more followers, more guns… Humans don’t fight the infected, they fight each other. Humans fighting other humans! They plot, they ambush, they trick, they stab in the back, and then, they seek vengeance. I know I did. It is an unending cycle! A vaccine won’t change that. It won’t magically bring back the old world, it won’t fix everything. The world is too fucked up.”

“That’s dark.”

“Yes, yes it is. Perhaps too dark, a bit exaggerated even, but I think there is some truth, in that darkness, and…”

Ellie suddenly stopped, before asking, almost out of the blue:

“You know what I like about comics?”

“Fewer words to read and more boobs on display?”

Ellie barked a laugh, and Dina quickly followed.

“No!”

Dina playfully quirked her eyebrows.

“Okay, yes, maybe! But it is not just that!”

“Sure!”

“Shut up! Anyway! In comics, at least in the ones I read, there are heroes with superpowers fighting villains and saving the world. Some characters are complex, and morally ambiguous sometimes, but at the end of the day, good wins against evil, there is always someone who can make things right. It is easy, it is comforting. For so long, I wanted to be that selfless hero, gifted with immunity, righting wrongs with a shotgun, and giving her life to save everybody, to save the whole world, without asking anything else in return. In a way, it is still what I want, but I learned that it is not how things are, how they work. Not anymore. Being completely and utterly selfish is easy, especially in this world. It is easy, and it is wrong, and unfortunately, it is how many people tend to behave nowadays. But, in a way, being overly selfless is neither better, nor morally superior, and it is equally easy, somehow. I know that now because I’ve been both.”

“And now?”

“Now, I’m trying to balance selflessness and selfishness to find a small corner of nondestructive happiness for myself, hopefully here, in Jackson or at the farm, hopefully with you and JJ.”

A tear run down Dina’s cheek, but she kept her gaze away from Ellie. The young mom remained silent for a long time. Then:

“Full disclosure goes both ways, right?”

“I guess. But, you don’t have to force yourself to talk either.”

“I’m not. I just… There are so many things to say, but I’m don’t know to. I’m afraid, Ellie. I’m so afraid.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“When you left… I said things, things I regretted almost immediately. At least, I regretted the way I said them.”

“I did too.”

Dina swallowed and nodded.

“Your departure broke my heart, in a way that was way more literal than anything I could have ever anticipated. I felt betrayed and alone. I couldn’t see myself doing it by myself, and… Oh, my God, I’m sorry, I’m sounding so weak right now...”

“No, you don’t. Never. You are one of the strongest people I know, and nothing you could ever do or say would ever change that.”

Dina let a teary laugh escape.

“Well, back then, I felt weak. I felt angry, too, for quite some time, but I think it was mostly a way to cope with the guilt I felt, a way to bury it.”

Ellie frowned, and, despite herself, she asked:

“Guilty, why?”

“Because I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough to make you stay. I felt like my love, and our family wasn’t enough to make you stay, and, somehow, I felt responsible for that.”

“Oh, Dina…”

At that point, they were both crying, but there was a flame, a fire, in Dina’s eyes that prevented Ellie from even trying to contradict her.

_I love you, Dina. I love you so much it hurts! I want to say you’re are wrong. You are enough. You are more than enough. You and JJ are everything, to me. But you’re right. It doesn’t matter. I still left._

“After a while, though, I realized that deep down I knew, I’ve always have known. Known you couldn’t have stayed and been truly happy. Known that, even before Tommy’s visit, a part of you was still there, with Joel in that basement, with Jesse in that theater, with her wherever she might be. Known that there was nothing I could do.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. I am too.”

Silence fell, and the air was clearer and heavier, all at once. It felt like a crossroads. It felt fragile, yet so full of hope. It felt like…

Noise on the second floor ended the moment, choosing a direction for both of them. JJ had woken up and was now calling for his mother.

“I’d better go see him. And _you_ , you should go to your room, the bed can’t be worse than that old couch.”

“Will do.”

“Good night, Ellie.”

“Good night, Dina.”

***

Ellie was on all four, short-winded, heels spurring her ribs. On her back, JJ was babbling joyfully.

“Ya! ‘llie!”

Ellie chuckled and started moving forwards, carefully.

“ ‘top!”

Ellie stopped.

“Hey, Potato, what’s the point of learning to walk, if, as soon as you began to talk, you ask me to carry you! You do know I’m not a horse, right?”

“ ‘orse ‘llie!”

“Oh oh! You better watch that mouth of yours, Potato!”

With a soft yet swift move, Ellie pinned the little boy to the ground and began tickling him.

The waves of laughter attracted Dina, who, leaning against the door, watched the show the two loves of her life were putting on, a smile on her lips. _The two loves of her life…_ The two young women hadn’t put any label on their relationship yet. They still slept in different rooms, they hadn’t kissed or anything, but they had talked a lot, shared a lot about things they never told anyone else before. They lived together, they both helped around, they both cared for JJ, they both cared for each other.

Slowly, Ellie was gaining back the place she once had in their family. Dina couldn’t deny it anymore, she was still madly in love with Ellie, she had never stopped being madly in love with Ellie, and she knew the other girl felt the same. Yet, she couldn’t totally let go of her fears. She knew she couldn’t go through another heartbreak. If Ellie relapsed, it would destroy her, it would destroy _them_ – utterly, completely, this time.

“Diner’s ready, terrors!”

Ellie stopped the tickles and turned her head to Dina. Her short hair was messy, her cheeks flushed, and a big smile lightened her face. It took Dina all of her self-control not to kiss her, right here and now.

Ellie kissed JJ on the forehead before standing up. They went to the kitchen, where Robin was already sat down. Dina helped her son get on the special seat, while Ellie poured herself a glass of water. On her other hand, there was a small white pill, prescribed by Jennifer – newly appointed Jackson’s first unofficial psychologist. The new job boosted the young woman's confidence, and even if no one would have willingly admitted they needed the help, there were plenty of people shyly knocking on Jennifer’s door every day.

Admitting she may need drugs haven’t been easy for Ellie. She always had had her pride, especially towards any medical surrogates. Plus, in that case, and despite Jen’s reassurance, she was afraid of becoming dependent on those pills. Jennifer had been very patient. She explained to her why she needed the drug, how it was specially designed to prevent addiction, and she finally promised to keep the dose as low as possible. In return, Ellie dedicated herself to her therapy with the young psychologist. She also began meditating and she kept writing her journal. At home, the full disclosure policy established by Dina months ago was still standing.

“Hey, you okay there?”

Ellie snapped out of her thoughts.

“Yes, yes, sorry!”

She swallowed her pills and went back to the table. It was a nice and quiet evening in Jackson. Dinner went smoothly, enlighten by JJ giggles and babbles, though it became easier and easier to catch the meaning of his words, and by some light discussions between the three grown-ups.

“I think it is time to go to bed, Potato!”

“No!”

“Yes! But, because I’m feeling magnanimous tonight, you can choose who is going to read you your bedtime story. Me, or Mama?”

Ellie didn’t know when this little game has begun, she didn’t know how either – even if she was certain she wasn’t the one who started it, she wouldn’t have dared, still afraid to overstep – but she quickly and happily played along.

JJ straightened in his seat, like a general reviewing his troops.

“G’anny!”

Ellie dramatically made an outraged face, while Robin snickered and Dina chuckled.

“All right, big man, but you walk. I can’t carry you anymore.”

Dina and Ellie kissed him goodnight and watched him going up the stairs with his grand-mother.

“Dishes?”

“Dishes!”

They cleared the table and went to the sink. Without even thinking about it, Ellie began to hum quietly, and Dina’s heart fluttered.

All it took was a water drop, accidentally landing on her. Out of habit – a habit she had thought lost in the past, but which apparently wasn’t – she retaliated, taking Ellie by surprise. Soon enough, both were engaged in a furious water-battle, filled with clear laughter and light touches… until it wasn’t so light anymore.

Both were out of breathe, faces mere inches apart, hearts racing, eyes wide opened. Before, back at the farm, it would have led to a quick and very naked trip to the – _their_ – bedroom. Today, on that quiet august night, it could set a new milestone in their strange relationship, or it could screw everything up. That crossroad again.

Their foreheads touched, their noses brushed. Dina’s hand grazed Ellie’s cheek. Their fingers intertwined, and allowed them to exhale, slowly, shakily.

“Full disclosure, I’m terrified. Yet, I want this – _us_ – so bad.”

Dina’s words were soft, barely a whisper and Ellie answered the same way.

“The feeling is mutual”

“Sometimes… Sometimes it would be easier if you had killed her.”

_Her – Abby._

“Why?”

“Because it would have been one less temptation for you to go back out there.”

Ellie slowly nodded. She understood Dina’s fears. There was still a chance that one day, they hear about Abby again. Tommy would probably be mad, so mad at her, for both lying and not killing her in the first place. Ellie would feel guilty again, and from there, anything, any small complication, every little thing, could cause her to relapse.

Jennifer had warned her, there was no magical cure for PTSD, only ways to learn how to live with it, just like she learned – was still learning – how to live with her crippled hand.

“I want to be sure, Ellie. I need to be sure. Sure that you won’t leave again, sure you won’t shut me – shut _us_ – off, sure you won’t break our hearts again.”

“You… You can’t.”

It hurt, but it was the truth, a necessary truth. Ellie, in a rush of bravery, kept going:

“You can’t. I can’t. I wish I could promise you that, but I can’t, even though right now, I feel at peace – or, at least, as close to peace as I can ever get. Thanks to you.”

“Don’t tell that to Jen, it would break her heart.”

Ellie chuckled.

“I couldn’t have done it without her, it is true, but I wouldn’t even have tried if it wasn’t for you, for JJ, for _us_. The truth is, Dina, I am broken, in more than one way, and I won’t ever be whole again, not quite. But, when I’m with you, when I’m with my family, I don’t feel the cracks anymore, even though I know they are still there. Perhaps I’m just selfish, perhaps I shouldn’t have come back at all, perhaps I should have let you move on. And if that is what you think, one word from you, and I’m gone...”

“That easily?”

“No. Of course, not! But if you’ll have me, there is one promise I can make you. No matter what, I will always do my very best to be the person you deserve to have by you aside, the parent JJ deserves to have, damn even the daughter-in-law – sort of – that Robin deserves! That entails trying my very best not to leave you again, nor shutting you out, nor breaking your hearts, nor relapsing, and so, so much more. I can’t offer you a sunny, merry ride, but I can promise you to always do my best so the storms on our way remained small and contained while having summer days stretching to the moon and back.”

Tears were running down their cheeks.

“I know it may not be enough, but...”

“Shut up!”

The kiss was chaste and tentative, but when they opened their eyes, all they saw was a bright future, full of opportunities – along with each other’s goofy grin.

***

Ellie nibbled the tip of her pencil, lost in thoughts. For over a week now – since their kiss in the kitchen – the young woman was working on a song about them, about her and Dina, about JJ, about their family.

When she wrote, Ellie always wanted to pour all of her feeling, all of her soul, all of herself in her words. This time was no exception, on the contrary. More than ever, she wanted that song to be perfect.

They had kept things slow. The kitchen kiss didn’t evolve in something more heated, and they didn’t even sleep in the same bed that night. Three days after, Ellie had taken Dina on a proper date, and, by the end of the night, they had kissed again, longer, messier even, but, hands had stayed obediently over their clothes. They had talked a lot too, about their respective fears and hopes and dreams. It have felt good. So good. Close from perfect.

Ellie felt Dina moving by her side. She closed her journal and carefully got up to take her guitar.

“Hey, you!”

Dina’s voice was still sleepy, and Ellie couldn’t help but smile. She sat back on the edge of the bed – _their_ bed. Dina’s hand circled her waist, and her lips kissed her naked shoulder, softly. A silent _I love you_.

There were many songs dear to Ellie’s and Dina’s heart: Joel’s song, of course – technically, it was _Future Days_ , by Pearl Jam, but to Ellie, it would always be Joel’s song – _Take Me On_ , from the bonfire so long ago, _Through the Valley_ , one of the song on Riley’s tape and one of the first she learned to play, and, of course, all the song she wrote herself and played to Dina and JJ, back at the farm. But, that morning, Ellie wanted something new, something fresh, and yet relevant. Basking in Dina’s presence, she lightly strummed the cords, lost in thoughts, until a melody came to her mind. _True Faith_ , once covered by Lotte Kestner, and now rearranged by Ellie Williams – because now, she had found hers.

_I feel so extraordinary_

_Something's got a hold on me_

_I get this feeling I'm in motion_

_A sudden sense of liberty_

_I used to think that the day would never come_

_I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun_

_My morning sun is the drug that brings me near_

_To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear_

_I used to think that the day would never come_

_That my life would depend on the morning sun_

_I used to think that the day would never come._

She felt Dina smile on her skin, so she kept going, she kept singing, until her voice was hoarse and her arms numb. She sung her truth, she sung her past, she sung the radiant future she saw for their little family.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	2. Darker ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0) I did my best to proofread my text, but I’m not a native English-speaker and it is my first work, so I may have left some mistakes. If you spot any, feel free to point them out, I will fix them!
> 
> 1) I’m not sure I’m good at writing angst, but I did my best, while not being overly dark either, so… Let me know what you think!
> 
> 2) I am not a psychologist and I am fortunate enough to never have experienced anything above (light) anxiety attacks, therefore my descriptions of stronger mental distress may not be completely accurate. However, I hope they are well-balanced and credible enough.
> 
> 3) For people who may be more sensitive, I think the first ‘slice of life’ (mention of suicidal thoughts) and the fourth one (hallucination, panic attack, slight mention of self-harm, deaths) may be the most harrowing. The last one also tackles an anxiety attack, though a bit differently.
> 
> 4) Enjoy!

_Here you are. All alone. Your worst fear became real, Ellie. Even worse, you made your worst fear come true! You! It’s all your fault!_

Standing on the edge of the snowy cliff, she looked absently in the abyss. Night had fallen for a few hours now, and despite the danger, she decided to take this route, because she knew it was unlikely to come across anyone else up here. At least, not someone from Jackson.

_Jackson…_

She saw its light, shimmering slightly on the horizon.

_Is it even worth it?_

When she had left Santa Barbara, she was an empty shell. On her way back, she had taken her time. Time to heal – physically that is, mentally she was still a complete mess. Time to hunt and eat, though eating didn’t come as naturally as it should. Time to sleep, though her nights were still plagued with nightmares. Time to avoid coming across anyone, human or infected, though she didn’t mind killing and was still as deadly as ever, it just felt vain and pointless, like it wasn’t worth the effort anymore. She had been in auto-pilot, letting her empty and hopeless body carry her around. She thought she had lost her soul back there, on that beach, washed ashore somewhere, or at the bottom of the ocean. Yet, in that cold and dark void that threatened to take over her entire being, a faint light had kept fighting. The closer she was from the farm, the brighter that light had become, the more her soul had come back in her body. _But now…_ Now she had found the farm empty, and she wished the numbness was back.

_I don’t even know if she is there! And even if she is…_

She felt her consciousness dividing inside her mind, ready for a debate, ready for a fight.

_The way I see it, we have two options…_

It wasn’t a hallucination nor a flashback, not quite. One of her inner voices just happened to take on Riley’s words, and Riley’s intonation, and, well… was that Riley’s voice? Ellie wasn’t quite sure – it has been so long since she heard it last – but it did sound a bit like her. Nothing too worrying, right? Just a friendly mental chat with a dead friend about what would be her next course of action.

Ellie scoffed at her own thoughts.

It wasn’t the numbness she felt a few weeks back, but her mind was putting on an armor of some sort.

… _option one, we take the easy way out… It’s quick and painless._

“Jumping? More like painless _-ish_ , but okay.”

_I’m not a fan of option one._

“I know.”

_Two. We fight._

Once again, Ellie scoffed, as her lips seemed to be moving of her own accord, dragging words from the past:

“Fight for what?”

This time, there was no response.

“Typical!” she snorted, shaking her head. “I don’t even know if they are there, Riley! I mean… _me_! Whatever! Besides, even if they are, she won’t ever forgive me! She probably won’t even talk to me, and there is no way she would let me near her son! No after what I did!”

_So what, you jump? Just like that?_

“Maybe! I’m not afraid!”

_I know, you’re not. But there is something pulling you back, isn’t there. What is it?_

“You’re in my head! Shouldn’t you… It doesn’t matter. Option three.”

_Option three?_

As the scenario drift away from the memory, the voice sounded less and less like Riley’s, but the image of her late best friend was still engraved in Ellie’s mind, as she kept debating with her consciousness.

“I find a former Firefly, preferably someone with a good set of medical skills, and I let them open my brain and make a vaccine out of it. Option three. Back to the original plan A.”

_You’re crazy! You can’t honestly think that it would be possible to…_

“You know, for a long time, I was angry at you! At her, I mean! At Riley! I felt guilty and sad, of course, but I was angry too! Why did she have to bring me there that night? Why did she put that stupid stereo on? Why did she come back to save my life? Why, Riley, why?”

_Because she loved you, kiddo._

This time Ellie froze. Even for a mind as fucked up as hers, it wasn’t good.

“Joel?”

Of course, he wasn’t here. He was just another voice in her head. Very Joel-like, but not quite him either. Yet, whatever trick her mind was pulling on her, it was working. She took a step back from the edge, as tears began agglutinating in her eyes.

_Joel…_

Once, in their early days in Jackson, though Ellie didn’t remember how exactly nor why he did it, Joel had said something to her, something along the lines of…

“…Love make people do crazy and stupid things sometimes.”

Whispered words came out with foggy breath. She took another step back.

“Dying is easy, it’s living that is hard.”

More fog and another step back. What was that quote from that movie Joel liked so much?

“ ‘ _Death smiles us all. All a man can do is smile back._ ’ ”

Ellie’s knees buckled and she fell on the ground.

The thing about death is that you don’t know when it comes to you, but you can always decide when you want to come at it. _A million ways we can die before tomorrow._ And among that million, some of them could be her choice and her choice alone. Her doing. Option one, and, to a point, option three, would never be put off the table. Option two would, though.

“No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for.”

That what Joel had said, all those years ago. Was that right? Now, more than ever, she didn’t know, but wasn’t it worth a shot – a _second_ shot?

Ellie gazed intensely at the pool of darkness a few steps ahead. She felt the pull. Option one was still very tempting. Too tempting perhaps, to hope avoiding it forever. Perhaps she was already doomed. _But aren’t we all?_ At least for tonight, she would resist. She would fight.

“Let’s try option two then. And if it doesn’t work, well… The abyss shall have my soul.”

***

Dina and Robin had both left, the first one on patrol, the second one to the infirmary. JJ was still asleep, and she wouldn’t have to bring him to Jennifer’s before two hours.

She felt bad. Something in her stomach felt wrong, her heart was beating way to fast and her breath was definitively too shallow. There was a dull ache in her chest.

Ellie hadn’t been able to stop herself, and, as Dina walked out the door, a small “Be careful” had past her lips. It had earned her a severe glared from the young mom. Though she didn’t say anything, Ellie heard the unspoken words. Something along the lines: “You didn’t seem to care so much about my – _our_ – safety and well-being when you left. Don’t you dare start now!”

Yet, Dina still entrusted her with JJ. And Ellie felt as honored as she was terrified.

“What if I hurt him? What if I have another absence and I drop him? What if something triggers a flashback, and I, I don’t know, punch him? Dina would completely banish me from her life! If she doesn’t kill me first! And why do I find this second option better? But what if there is no Dina? What if she got hurt or bitten? What if she never comes back? Argh!”

She clutched her fists, trying to stop her thoughts from spiraling.

It wasn’t a panic attack. Not quite. Not yet. But she felt trapped in an unbreakable circle. She was panicking at the thought of panicking, which made her panic even more. How do you get out of there?

“Come on, Ellie! You’re alone with him! You don’t have a choice! So hold your shit together!”

But she didn’t know how to do that. Suddenly, she heard a soft cry. JJ was awake.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! What do I do?”

Aware of her state, she rushed to the kitchen and sprayed icy water on her face, trying to look slightly more presentable.

“He can’t seem like this, he’ll freak out.”

She took one deep breath.

“Okay, I’m good. I’m good.”

She wasn’t. But, for JJ, she’ll do her best to keep up appearances.

She went upstairs and entered Dina’s room. Standing up, clutching on the bars of his cot, JJ stopped crying the moment he saw her.

“Okay, that’s good. That’s good. Hi there, Mister Potato. How are you doing?”

She carefully came closer and tentatively touched the small and soft hand. JJ babbled, joyfully.

“Yes, I know. But Mama is on patrol today, and Granny’s back is hurting her, so she went to the doc. Sorry bud, you’re going to have to bear with me today!”

… _If I manage not to screw everything up in the next couple of hours… And if your mom actually comes back from outside!_

“Shit, Ellie! Stop that. Right now!” she muttered to herself under her breath.

In his bed, JJ was becoming agitated.

“Okay, okay, I’m getting you out of here, Potato! You hungry, huh? What do you want to eat?”

Despite her fears, JJ’s presence was reassuring. It grounded her. Forced her to be calmer, quieter. It gave her a concrete and solid reason to keep her worries at bay, despite the cold sweat that was still running down her back, and her uneasy breathing.

“It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

***

Ellie froze when the massive gate closed behind her. Backpack on her shoulders, rifle gently resting at her side, a gun, and a knife at her belt, a full stock of ammo on her, and the vast plains of Wyoming laying in front of her.

“ _Déjà vu_...” she muttered under her breath.

Yet, by some aspects, despite how common the scenery was, things couldn’t have been more different than they used to be. The lingering fear in her stomach, for starters. The slight and surely unconscious distance Dina put between them since the news came in. The look in her eyes, when she left that morning. Her absence. Jesse’s absence. Joel’s absence. Tommy’s absence. Shimmer’s absence.

“Hey, Ellie! You’re coming or what!”

A few steps ahead, Jonas and Lily were waiting for her. Both around fifteen years old, they were – finally! – allowed to go on full patrol, not just the scavenging ones, but they still had to be escorted by someone older and more experienced, when they ventured in sectors that haven’t been cleared in the past few weeks. Usually, Joyce was going with them, but the older woman had broken her leg, a few days before. Short on rested and experienced staff, Maria had come to Ellie. Doctor Martin had gauged her general health. She had regained weight and slept better. Her training sessions were going great, as well. Jackson’s medical chief had, therefore, cleared her. Truth to be told, Ellie had been hesitant, though she didn’t say anything to Maria, or anyone else. Despite her immunity, there was still a risk. And she had promised – on Jesse’s grave! – to never leave again. Yet, she accepted. She knew that Maria wouldn’t have come to her if she had a better solution. Plus, as much as she wanted to prove herself to Dina and JJ, she also felt like had to prove herself to the entire community of Jackson. Her immunity, even if it couldn’t give a vaccine to the world, could, at least, and to a degree, keep Jackson safe. On many accounts, Ellie was their best soldier to put out there, and the young woman knew it. She couldn’t back down. She wouldn’t.

“Ellie!”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.”

She spurred her mount – a young sorrel mare called Golden – and followed her two younger teammates. As much armed as her, they were, however, less tense. _Way less._ Ellie had to actually bite her tongue to not call them on that.

_What have you become! You sound like a fifty years old overprotective mother! Let them breathe! Remember, when you were their age?_

Ellie sighed. She remembered too well.Her first official patrols, her first camping trip outside the walls with Dina and Jesse and Kat and no grown-up around. Her being so annoyed at Joel for being stressed and protective. The craving for freedom. The carelessness. The happiness. Yes, she definitively remembered. 

“Yeah, well… Look where it got me!” she muttered.

_Oh, come on! You are such a bore, old girl! You are ut, with two of the what… five?… teenagers who actually like you! And who you like! Have a little fun, Ellie! What the point of living, if everything is just austere and endless penitence!_

Ellie shook her head, with a weary but final “Shut up!”, and she instructed Golden to trot, so she could catch up with the two kids ahead of her.

“So, if you could go anywhere, like truly anywhere, where would you go?” Jonas asked, smiling brightly at Lily.

The girl took a few seconds to think.

“Europe!”

“Europe?” Jonas repeated, making a confused face. “I thought you were going to answer something like… I don’t know… the Silicon Valley! I heard it was kind of a big deal, back in the day, though it probably roams with infected!”

“Well, despite liking electronics and history, I always wanted to travel, and I don’t know, Europe sounds cool!”

“Okay, okay!”

“Sorry to disappoint!”

“Oh, I am not disappointed! I am utterly and completely disconcerted, and maybe a bit shocked too!”

Jonas’ tone was nothing but teasing, and Lily laughed, playfully shoving her friend, who feigned immense pain.

At that show, and despite her concerns and her stress, Ellie couldn’t help but smile. They were cute. They seemed happy. She could only be happy for them and pray it would last.

“So, Europe. Okay. Who would you take with you there?”

“Well… My sister, for sure.”

“Your sister, as in the one who, up until now apparently, was, and I quote, a stupid pain in your ass?”

“Yeah, well… Someone has to feed the clickers, while I escape!”

Jonas snorted. It was a joke. Ellie knew that. Lily cared deeply about her sister, and, in Jackson, no one would ever seriously consider feeding someone to the clicker to get away. It was a joke. A dumb and harmless joke. Yet, somehow, somewhere, it stung.

_You did jokes like that too back in the day. You know, with the other kids, with Jesse, Kat, Dina, and even with Joel, sometimes! You use to laugh at those, remember?_

“Okay, so Luna. Who else is allowed on your cruise to the European shore?”

“Liz, of course!”

Liz was Lily’s best friend.

“That’s it?”

“Yup.”

“So not me?” he asked, full of hope, before adding, very quickly, with a tone he wanted neutral: “… Or Hugo? Or...”

“Sorry, man. You and Hugo aren’t allowed, it is a girl-cruise, only!”

“Aw, you’re breaking my heart!”

They both laughed, but Ellie could see the slight disappointment on Jonas’ face, and she couldn’t help but feel for him. Though his flirting was pretty bad – not that she had anything to say on that – Lily was a bit clueless too – not that she had anything to say on that either, not without being hypocrite herself.

“And you, Ellie? Where would you go?”

_Here. In Jackson. In the ballroom. In Dina’s arms. Back when she first kissed me. Back when Joel and Jesse were still alive. Or, if that’s to much to ask, back at the farm, with Dina and JJ, but without the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the untreated PTSD._

“I don’t know. I heard Los Angeles is pretty nice, at this time of the year!” she deadpanned instead, a teasing gleam in her eyes.

Jonas and Lily both laughed.

“Though I’m really disappointed you didn’t ask me to join your little cruise to Europe, Lily!”

The girl rolled her eyes up. Jonas went further:

“She is right! Plus, with that hand of hers, she’ll be like Captain Hook, the king of the pirates!”

Lily scoffed, while Ellie, despite her embarrassment, let slip a smile.

“I’m pretty sure your reference is incorrect, but whatever!”

“My reference is perfectly right, miss know-it-all!”

“Oh, yeah?”

When the little group reached the first town, Lily and Jonas were still bantering playfully. Despite her amusement, Ellie stopped her.

“Alright kiddos, we stop talking and we start to focus now. This sector has not been cleared in a few weeks, and with the seasonal migrations, it is probably roaming with infected.”

“You mean, more than usual?”

“Yeah, more than usual.”

“Well… Still a piece of cake!”

Jonas showed off his biceps, with a suggestive raise of his eyebrows. Lily laughed but shook her head.

“Jonas.” Ellie scolded.

Her tone was more firm, tenser, this time around.

“Okay, okay… Sorry!”

In silence, they moved forwards. Old and shattered buildings covered with vines and tags. The three of them, and Ellie even more than the two others, knew the place and the routes they were supposed to take.

“Blood. Lots of it. They must have torn an animal apart. Maybe a moose, or a stag. Be careful.”

The two younger nodded. They followed the bloody track, all senses in alert.

Ellie felt her heart in her finger and eyes. Her muscles were tensed. Her finger ready to pull the trigger. Her hand ready to grab Jonas and Lily. She could feel the adrenaline rushing through her body. It wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. Not when she was responsible for the two teenagers.

_I can’t lose them._

“Here” whispered Jonas.

Indeed, the bloodstains were pretty big around that big house with its red roof torn apart in several places.

“How did they came in?”

“There, look! I’m going in!”

Before he could take more than a step forward, the boy went crashing on an old car parked near the small entrance. He yelped.

“What the hell, Ellie!”

He was now looking angrily at the older woman who had violently pushed him back. Her face was slightly paler, her breath was slightly rushed, and there was a strange gleam in her eyes, yet, when she spoke, her tone was firmer than it has ever been.

“Too dangerous.”

It wasn’t enough to calm Jonas down, though.

“Too dangerous, my ass! With Joyce, we’re doing it all the time! Besides, it is not like you could slip in there!”

He was massaging his sore shoulder, glaring at Ellie, his cheeks flushed, as he tried to contain a grimace.

“We will find another way.”

“It is a loss of time! I’m short and thin. For once it’s useful! Let me go, I’ll open the door for you!”

_Okay._

Ellie’s mind was running a hundred miles per hour. She knew she should have agreed. Jonas was right.

“No. Now, move.”

“Whatever!” the boy grumbled.

Lily didn’t say anything, but the look she shot at Ellie was enough.

After circling the house a few times, they finally found another way in where they could all fit in.

When they emerged on the other side, the welcoming committee was waiting for them too.

“Fuck!”

Reaching blindly behind her, Ellie pushed the two teenagers against a wall, protecting them with her body, and began shooting the infected that were coming at them.

“What the… Will you let me… Shit!”

Both teenagers were struggling to go past Ellie, to have a little bit of action, to help her; but Jonas was the most virulent. Once things settled down, he yelled, pushing Ellie back:

“What the hell?”

She just looked at him fixedly, like she couldn’t quite see him. A bit more calmly, Lily argued:

“I think that what Jonas is trying to say is that we are both here to learn and to gain more experience, but we won’t be able to do that if you are too overprotective towards us.”

Ellie blinked calmly. Too calmly.

“It is too dangerous.”

“Ellie…”

“Don’t bother, Lily. She is too fucked up!” Jonas grumbled.

“Jonas!”

Lily was clearly shocked by her friend’s word, but Ellie didn’t even budge. It made the young man even angrier.

“The doc shouldn’t have cleared her out.”

Still no reaction. Inside, Ellie had started boiling. She had always been hot-blooded, and whatever happened to her didn’t change that. _How this kid – this kid how knew nothing about life, nothing about what she went through, all the loss she suffered – even dared speak to her like that! He had no right, whatsoever, to do so!_ Yet, somehow, and perhaps not in the sanest way, she had learned to stay calm – passive, even. Plus, in that case, she understood the teenager’s anger. Jonas was right. She shouldn’t behave that way. Not to mention the fact that, on a more personal level, she knew she had hurt Jonas’ pride, by scolding him and somewhat **infantilized** him in front of his crush.

_Oh my… You hated when Joel did something remotely similar to that!_

She just sighed and shook her head.

“Oh come on! Say something!”

Jonas went at her and pushed her shoulders. Ellie tried to resist the urge to retaliate, but, this time, she couldn’t. Jonas was a good fighter, despite his seemingly fragile frame. But she knew she could beat him. She already had, during their training sessions. _He wanted to learn? She would teach him. Right here, right now!_ Against her best judgment, she pushed back, taking Jonas by surprise. With an angry grunt, he threw a punch in response. Though she did dodge it, he managed to seize her jacket and he pulled on it. Hard. Soon enough, both of them were fighting on the ground, with frustrated grunts and short breaths.

“Guys!”

Neither of them heard Lily’s call. She jumped into the melee, trying to separate them, as the noise was attracting more infected.

“Guys! They’re coming at us!” screamed the teenager, drawing her gun.

The shot snapped the two fighters out of their skirmish. Ellie pushed Jonas back and reached for her weapon.

“Dammit! There are too many of them!”

“I know! Pull back!”

“El...”

“I said. Pull back! Now!”

Lily was already going for the exit. She didn’t like to back down from a fight, but she was cold-headed enough to know when it wasn’t worth it.

“Jonas, watch out!”

Ellie shot a clicker that was trying to stab – well, _bite_ – Jonas in the back. The bullet went straight through the beast’s skull before hitting the already fragile wall. It was the metaphorical straw that broke the camel’s metaphorical back. First, everything stood still. The calm before the storm. The second after, the whole building was crashing onto itself.

How the three humans managed to get out of there in time, Ellie couldn’t have said – though her hard-won reflexes and skills probably had something to do with it – but here they were. Scratched in more than one place, faces dirty, clothes dusty, coughing, and rattled, but alive. Jonas also had clicker's blood all over his head, and, Ellie could have pinned point the exact moment he realized that. His face constricted in a disgusted grimace, as he tried his best not to throw up. _Understandable feelings._

“Jonas! Your leg!”

“What?”

They all looked down. Jonas’ trousers were getting soaked in blood. And this time, it wasn’t clicker's blood.

“No, no...”

This time, it was a grimace of pain that made its way to his face.

“It’s okay. It’s nothing. Just a scratch!”

It wasn’t. It wasn’t a deadly injury either, but it was severe. Severe enough to prevent him from fighting right now. Severe enough to make them all go back to Jackson.

Jonas didn’t say anything, but he glared at Ellie the whole way back, as his anger and bitterness grew bigger and bigger with each passing step that brought them closer to the town.

When the heavy gate opened and they dismounted their horses, the teenager stood in front of her, fire burning in his eyes.

“It’s all your fault. The way you treated us… It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. You’re lucky we all came back alive. I don’t want to go on patrol with you ever again.”

She didn’t say anything. She made her way back to Robin’s place, as anger and guilt started to boil down her stomach, eating all the light inside her. And that nagging thought…

_Is that how you’ll behave with JJ? Being so overprotective you’ll stifle and smother him until he hates you? And when he finally crosses the line, with one last provocation, will you lose your temper and your focus?_

“No!” she growled, clutching her fist.

_Well, that is what happened today! Why would it be any different with JJ?_

“Because… Because… I don’t know! But it will be!”

She may have shouted a bit too loudly, judging on the bystander’s reaction. She grumbled a furious apology.

_You are bad for this kid, Ellie. You’ll get him hurt. You’ll get all of them hurt._

“I won’t.”

_You will. The real question is, will you talk to Dina about what happened? Will you confront her? Will you confess to her?_

“There is nothing to...”

_Are you ready to see the disappointment in her eyes? The fear, even? Fear of what you are, what you can do, what you will be? Are you ready for Robin to tell you to leave her house? For Dina to tell you to stay away from her son?_

“They won’t! She… She won’t… She...”

_She will. And you know it._

Ellie didn’t go home that night. She crashed on Maria’s couch, smelling poor-quality whiskey, fists bloody after getting involved in a meaningless fight at the bar, eyes teary because she felt she was losing herself and everyone around her – _again_. But when she finally got up and step a foot outside, later the following day, as the sun was already high in the sky, Jennifer was waiting for her.

“Dina called. She sounded pretty pissed, but I think it was more of a way for her to hide how worry she really was. She waited too, but she was needed on the fence.”

It took Ellie’s hungover brain a few seconds to process, and, even there, all she could manage was a neutral grunt.

“Jonas came by too. He sounded more apologetic than angry.”

Ellie shrugged, a “whatever” dancing at the tip of her tongue. It took her more than it should have to force something somewhat resembling a smile on her lips.

“He is a good kid.”

And, despite everything, he was. He really was. Good. And a kid.

***

Ellie was gardening, headphones in her ears when she heard the general alarm ring three times. Strident, but short and sober. She froze.

Nobody liked that sound, but Ellie hated it more than anyone. _Three times._ It meant that someone had died on patrol. Most of the time, dead on patrol meant bitten or reaped apart by a clicker. In both cases, Ellie always felt a pang of guilt hit her stomach.

_It could have been avoided if someone had found a cure. Oh, wait!_

“Shut up!”

The last couple of days had been pretty exhausting, and now, the few next didn’t foreshadow any improvement, far from it. She pushed the volume up and begun pickaxing even harder.

Because of the music, she didn’t hear the agitation and the screams from the other side of Jackson. But she did hear the shot. Freezing once again, she pressed the stop button on her Walkman, and stood there, all her senses on alert.

More screams. The gate flapping and slamming. Another shot.

Abandoning her pickax, she rushed toward the agitation. By the entrance, a crowd had formed, the air was heavy and agitated. Ellie elbowed her way through.

There, on the dusty ground lied three bodies. The first one, awkwardly twisted over his backpack, had a gaping and bleeding hole right in the middle of his forehead. _Hugo. Amy’s son._ The second one was held by some woman, blood still running on the ground. _Seth._ The third’s body was on a makeshift stretcher, covered by a cloth.

Ellie’s mind was blank, and yet burning with anger and despair.

“No, no, no, no...”

Her feet moved of their own accord.

“No, no, no...”

Her hand went to uncover the third body.

“Ellie, stop!”

Maria’s command brought her back to reality. She shook her head. She took a small step back.

Jackson’s leader dismissed the crowd. By her side were Amy and … Jackie. Jonas’ mom.

_Jonas. The third body his Jonas’!_

“No! No!”

It was the straw that broke Ellie’s back that day.

How she ended up in the old barn, she couldn’t say. But there she was, slumped in one corner, surrounded by darkness, exhausted and lost. The blood all over her matched the stains on the wooden walls. Her entire body hurt, her fists were burning and there was bloody nail mark on the tender skin of her arms but, somehow, that physical pain, soothe the ache in her mind, in her head.

The shadows were moving, ominous, and threatening, as they took shape. Joel. Riley. It was always Joel and Riley first. Then, appeared Jesse. Nora. Tess. Sam and Henri. The pregnant lady. All of her old ghosts. And some new ones too. Seth. Jonas. Hugo. Lots of Jonases. Lots of Hugos. Their body bit, their skin bloody and pale, anger and hatred in their eyes, unending suffering written all over their faces.

_It’s your fault! You could have prevented that! You should have!_

“I’m so sorry… So sorry… I’m so sorry” she croaked.

A mixture of blood, sweat, and tears was covering her face. She felt light-headed and nauseated. Her head was spinning.

The shadows kept moved closer. Extending her arms, in a vain attempt to stop them, she repeated:

“I’m sorry, I can’t… I’m… So… Sorry… I...”

She didn’t have the strength nor the presence of mind to bend forwards when she felt acid bile climbing all the way from her stomach to her mouth, burning her throat and her lips on its way out.

She felt the pull of the abyss, dark and cold. Stronger than before. Stronger than ever.

Finding out that someone – someone she knew and liked – had been bitten had never been easy for her, especially after finding out that Joel lied to her. But it had never been that bad. What was wrong with her? Just when everything had started to get better… _Better…_

“I’m so sorry, Dina… I can’t… I can’t do it…”

_Dina... Better…. Dina… JJ. Better. JJ. Dina. Dina. JJ. Dina…_

They hadn’t kissed or anything yet, but, on her good days, Ellie could felt it was coming. On her good day, she had begun to feel happy again, happier than she had ever been in a long time.

_Dina. JJ. Better. JJ. Dina. Dina. JJ. Dina…_

Her lights in the darkness. Her lifeline for when she was drowning. Her oxygen when she was choking.

“G… Give me the…”

She was out of breath, a nasty taste lingered in her mouth, her throat was dryer than the Sahara. She was shivering and shaking. All strength had left her muscles. Her body was painfully limp.

“Give me grace to accept … with serenity… the things that cannot be changed,… courage to change the things which should be changed,... and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Give me...”

Eyes closed, breath labored but easier than it was before, she was still reciting Jennifer’s mantra when Dina found her.

Later that day, Marie brought her a letter written by Jonas in his final moments and told her what happened. During the patrol, the young man had been bitten. With courage and dignity, he immediately informed his teammates of his current condition. Following the procedure, Joyce and Hugo had brought Jonas to a secure room, where they had let him write farewell letters to his loved ones, friends, and family. Then, Joyce, as she was the oldest in the group, took on her to painlessly end Jonas’ life, before he could turn. After that, they had immediately made the trip back. But, once in Jackson, as they had been invited to go to the infirmary, Hugo had started to freak out. Turned out he had been bitten too but hadn’t said anything, out of fear. Finding this behavior more than suspicious, Seth, on fence duty at that time, had taken aim. Hugo had immediately retaliated. It was hard to say who shot first, but Jackson had lost three of his sons, that day.

***

“No way! No fucking way!”

“Ellie...”

“No! I’m not taking any pills! Ever! I’m fine!”

That was a plain lie, and they both knew it.

“… I’m okay! I’m better! I’m doing better! With each passing day! I… I have fewer and fewer anxiety attacks! Plus, now I can sense them coming! I barely have any flashes and flashbacks anymore! I... I’m learning how to keep everything under control, and, giving everything I went through, I’d say I’m pretty damn good at it! I… I...”

“You’re out of breathe. And, you’re freaking out. But that okay, Ellie. You...”

“No! Enough! Don’t start patronizing me, Jennifer!”

“You right, I’m sorry. I...”

“I don’t need any pills! End of conversation!”

And, with that, Ellie stormed off. She didn’t mean to slam so hard the door of the old barn Jennifer had reconverted into a clinic it would break but she didn’t stop either when she heard the loud crash.

Her furious steps lead her to the cemetery. It wasn’t a place she particularly enjoyed, but it was the quieter place in town, and right now, quiet was exactly what she needed. Plus, she knew Joel would understand her. A deep hatred for any chemical surrogate, whether it was painkillers or sleeping pills, was something they had always shared.

“I don’t need drugs! I have nothing against them, nor against the persons who take them. I just personally don’t need them. That’s it. And the sooner Jennifer gets that, the better! Plain and simple.”

A chuckled behind her had Ellie jumping. She turned around.

“Dammit Robin, you scared me!”

A smug smile found her way to the older lady’s lips.

“Nice speech! But something tells me it is not the gravestone you trying to convince, but yourself!”

“Robin...”

Once again, Ellie felt anger starting to boil down in her stomach, despite her unwillingness to snap at the owner of the house she was currently staying in.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay. I understand. I’ll come back later.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk about, but there is just nothing to talk about! I don’t need drugs, and I won’t take them. Full stop!”

“Okay.”

“Why… Why would she even think I need them? Didn’t I do some tremendous progress since I came back to Jackson?”

“You did.”

“And don’t even start telling me that it is medical expertise, because Jennifer is no expert! For all we know, the book in which she read pills are good was written by the pharmaceutical company itself to sell its shit!”

“I wouldn’t have said that.”

“Then why are you looking at me that way? Do you think I need drugs too?”

Ellie’s tone was becoming more and more aggressive, her breathe more and more shallow. Her heart was hammering in her chest as if it was trying to cover the small voice in the back of her head, the small voice trying to insulate doubt in her mind.

Robin, refraining the urge to say something like “I think you should calm down”, take a few steps back.

“I’ll leave you to it.”

“Great!”

She waited until Robin left before sitting down against Joel’s stone.

“I don’t need drugs. I don’t need them.”

She stayed there for a long time, lost in thoughts. Stars were starting to glow in the dark sky, the moon was full, and the air was starting to get chilly. Ellie was calmer now, calm enough to stop trying to bury that voice under angry screams and thoughts.

When Jennifer first suggested the idea, it had hurt, yes. It has felt like the young self-made psychologist didn’t believe in her ability to make it through by herself, and that wasn’t a good feeling at all. Despite the therapy, Ellie still struggled to admit when she needed help, even if she had become better and better at that too. But she knew her behavior wasn’t just due to her injured pride.

Jennifer didn’t have the time to explain in detail how those pills work, but Ellie knew enough. That was exactly where the problem lied. Somehow, Ellie wanted those pills. Of course, she was well aware that those pills wouldn’t have any magical effects, and that she would have to keep working on herself, but still. She craved the easiness – or at least the _easier-ness_ – and the comfort they could provide. What had truly made her angry wasn’t the fact that Jennifer might have thought she was weak, but the fact that _she_ felt weak. Weak enough to seriously consider taking those drugs, something she would never have done before, and despite all risks. From her reading, and from her own feelings, she knew that persons with PTSD were more prone to addiction than others. That is why she scrupulously kept in check her alcohol consumption and had banned recreational smoking from her lifestyle. She had even opened up to Dina about that potential issue – after building up the nerve for a few days.

_How can I still want those pills knowing they could turn me into an addict? An addict who will inevitably end up being a destructive burden on her family!_

Especially in the world they lived in, any addiction, even to a benevolent medicine, could be disastrous. Shortages were common, and, consequently, forced withdrawals too, along with their set of destructive symptoms. As a matter of fact, and though both were rare here in Jackson, medicine shortages were more regular than alcohol shortages. (From her reading, Ellie also deduced that about half the town suffered from alcoholism to some degree. As long as they didn’t become violent towards others or irresponsible towards the community safety though, Ellie didn’t blame them, on the contrary. Everyone has to cope with all that daily shit, one way or another. Besides, how was she to judge, really!)

A shadow approached the cemetery. Ellie immediately recognized Dina’s shape.

“Robin told me you might need a bit of time tonight, but it starting to be late and JJ won’t fall asleep. He has decided that tonight you are the only person in the world who can read him his bedtime story.”

Ellie chuckled.

“Well, who am I to refuse him?”

She stood up, and dusted her pants, before joining Dina at the small barrier.

“So, I went by the clinic earlier, thinking we could have walked home together but you weren’t there.”

“Yeah, sorry. It was kind of rough session. I left early.”

Dina slowly nodded.

“Well, I don’t know if you are aware, but someone broke the door.”

“Yeah...”

Uncomfortably, Ellie scratched the back of her neck.

“Jennifer said it was the wind. Of course, I immediately called her on her poor lying skills. So she invoked doctor-patient confidentiality.”

“She did? That’s… nice of her.”

“I bet. But you better fix that door first thing in the morning, Williams.”

“What...”

Dina’s eyebrows quickly discouraged Ellie from denying anything any further.

“Yeah, I will. First thing in the morning.”

“Good.”

Side by side, they kept walking in silence, arms brushing.

“You… You are not going to ask what happened?”

“Well, Jennifer was pretty convincing on that all medical confidentiality.”

“Oh.”

“But, if you want to talk, I’m here.”

“Good. Thanks.”

Yet, a few step further, Ellie blurted:

“She wants me to try some pills.”

She couldn’t see it because of the dark, but there was a small smirk on Dina’s lips. Yet, it quickly disappeared, replaced by a focused expression, as she listened to Ellie’s story.

In the end, she sighed:

“I understand your concerns, Ellie. I really do. In a way, I even share them. I can’t give you an answer. I am as split as you, on that one.”

“Well, that was helping” Ellie deadpanned, making Dina smile.

“However, you shouldn’t have lost you cool. You shouldn’t have snapped at Jennifer, nor at Robin.”

“I know, I’ll apology. And I’ll add ‘anger management’ on my to-do list.”

“Oh, because it wasn’t already on it?”

“Shut up!”

They laughed softly.

“As I said, I can decide for you, Ellie. And neither can Jennifer, or anyone. But maybe you could talk to her? Tell her about your concerns. She might be able to reassure you, and perhaps you’ll find a satisfying compromise. I’m sure she has taken into account the risk of addiction, but she won’t dismiss your fears. I know you don’t like feeling vulnerable, Ellie, but locking yourself up in that impenetrable armor of yours is not healthy either. It may even be worse. Jennifer cares about you. I care about you. Maria, Robin, Amy, Lily… There are a lot of people out there who care about you, and in front of them, you are allowed to be a bit vulnerable from time to time.”

Ellie swallowed, hard. Her eyes were itching with tears. It wouldn’t be easy – in fact, there would be three more sessions of screaming and denial – but she would get there.

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

***

“So, Ellie! We don’t see you often, around here! What are you looking for?”

Ellie scratched the back of her neck, feeling awkward and embarrassed, even though she probably shouldn’t.

“I’m… I’m not sure…”

Carol, the teenage daughter of the shop-owner, smiled brightly.

“Don’t worry. We’ll find something. It is for a special occasion, isn’t it? A happy one?”

“Hopefully. It’s… It’s a date.”

Ellie had already reserved the table at the restaurant. It had been fairly easy – it’s not like Jackson had that many restaurants, plus she knew what food she and Dina liked – but that? That was much harder.

“Oh, a date?”

Carol’s eyes sparkled.

“Would be wrong if I assumed it is with Dina?”

Ellie felt her cheek darken, as she shook her head.

“No. No, you wouldn’t.”

“Ah. Do you know what she is going to wear?”

“No. I… I wanted it to be a surprise, so she is not aware yet, but I wanted to look nice nonetheless.”

“Aw, you’re so cute.”

“Don’t…”

“You’re so cute! You’re so cute! You’re so cute!”

Despite feeling truly uncomfortable, Ellie couldn’t help but smile at Carol’s display of happiness. She remembered the old diaries she used to find while scavenging with Joel. She used to make fun of how shallow and naive the teenagers from before the outbreak sounded. Now, she could only be delighted to find that spark of innocence and joy in someone’s eyes.

“… Soooo cuuuute!”

“All right, enough. Enough, or I walk!”

Carol immediately stopped, and, clearing her throat, she quickly gauged Ellie’s size and height.

“I would offer some nice dresses in which you could fit beautifully, but something tell me you’ll be more at ease in a woman suit.”

“Oh, yeah, please. No dresses! No high heel either!”

Carol chuckled lightly.

“If Madam would like to follow me.”

Ellie opened the curtain and exited the small dressing room. It was a black-and-white suit, not overly original, but very classy, and Carol had promised to show her something called ‘label pin’ to customize her outfit. Plus, the teenager was pretty skilled, she definitively seemed to have an eye for that sort of thing.

“So, how do we find this one?”

“Well, it definitively feels good!”

“Here. Come take a look!”

She exhaled shakily and followed Carol. When she had come back to Jackson, she could barely look at herself in a mirror, afraid of what she might see there. With time, it had become easier and easier, until it wasn’t an issue at all anymore. Yet, she had only looked at herself in their house’s small bathroom, a place she learned to appreciate and feel safe in. Here, in the huge mirror, under Carol's gaze, she suddenly felt less confident.

_Oh come on, don’t be a coward! It is just a mirror!_

She looked up. She caught her own gaze in the glass. Two dark green irises embedded with golden flakes. Not a once of coldness in them. No anger either. Her face was tan, though her freckles were still visible on her cheeks. No blood, no thinness, no injuries. The scar on her eyebrow – the one Dina used to kiss over and over, when they laid lazily in bed, waiting for JJ to wake up from his nap.

_See, it’s okay, everything is okay._

And it was. At least for now.

“It’s nice… It’s really… Yeah, I love it!” Ellie said, with a shy smile.

“I concur. The suit suits you!”

Ellie snorted, and Carol grinned. _But then…_ Then, her gaze fell on her hand. On her stumps.

A sudden anguish seized her, along with an acute pain in her two missing fingers. _A phantom pain_. It wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last, she knew that. Doctor Martin had told her that those kinds of inconveniences could still appear years and decades after the amputation. She knew how to cope with them. She could manage. It wasn’t what was wrong. Not directly, at least.

“Ellie, are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah… ‘M fine.”

“If you don’t like the suit, it’s okay, there are others I can...”

“No. The suit’s fine. Everything’s fine.”

_In two hours, I’m supposed to have a freaking date with Dina. I’m not having an anxiety attack now! No fucking way!_

“Ellie, I don’t want to be rude, but you really don’t look good.”

“I… I…”

There it was. The lack of air. The weight on her chest. The dull ache, each time her heart beat.

_Come on! Not now! Okay, Ellie, breathe, breathe, you can do it!_

“Can… Can I have a sit, please?”

“Of course.”

Carol brought her a chair.

“Here, some water too.”

“Thanks. Could… Could you clear off the mirror, too, please.”

“Sure.”

“Thank you.”

Ellie felt her heartbeat slowing down a little, as did the thoughts spiraling in her mind. She exhaled slowly. Her gaze fell upon the glass of water she was holding with both of her hands, and… and she couldn’t breathe. Her heartbeat soared again. Her mind was spiraling even faster than before.

_Gross! How could she ever be attracted to that? How could anyone?_

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Ellie muttered.

She forcefully closed her eyes, in a vain attempt to ignore her injured hand. But how could she? Especially when those two missing fingers were killing her, all the way from Santa Barbara?

_Do you think she’ll let you touch her? Do think she’ll even let you hold her hand? With that? It is disgusting! So disgusting!_

Ellie had never been a fan of her injured hand, of course. She hated the curious look she often got from the younger–

_Freak! Monster!_

–even if she didn’t blame them for being intrigued. She always felt embarrassed and awkward when one of the teens, whether because they truly thought so or because they thought it would please her, told her it made her look even more cool and bad-ass. Her–

_Disgusting! Gross! So gross!_

–injury was a constant reminder of all the bad things she had done, and, for that alone, she hated that scar more than any other. However–

_And what about the bite? The bites! Remember her disgusted look, when you told her about it! And you brought new ones!_

…However, she had never really dwell at length on that. When she came back to Jackson, she was broken, and, with all the things she had on her plate, her hand hadn’t been the first priority.

_You are gross! You’re a freak! A monster!_

Plus, to paraphrase Jennifer’s helping mantra, it wasn’t something she could change, and, on a daily basis, she had the wisdom to know and accept so. But not today, apparently.

“Okay. Come on, Ellie. You can do it. You can do it.”

_Disgusting! Disgusting!_

“Carol, I’m having an anxiety attack.”

She never said those words out loud, and it was terrifying. Utterly terrifying–

_Weak! You are so weak!_

–though Jennifer would probably have called that a huge step forward.

“First, I have to breathe.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

_Oh, interesting! Will she dare approach you, freak? Would she dare touch your disgusting hand?_

“Yes. Yes, there is.”

_So weak and gross!_

“You can help me breathe. Come here, and breathe with me. Five seconds in, five seconds out.”

“Five, five. Gotcha!”

“Can you count out loud too, please?”

_You can’t even count to five by yourself, with that broken hand of yours! How pathetic!_

“Of course!”

“Thanks.”

Ellie focused on Carol's forceful breathing, and on the counting. Slowly, she felt her shiver reduced and started sweating less, tears stopped hoarding in her eyes, her breathing was less hasty, and heart beat slightly slower. It was better, be she knew she could still start panicking again.

“Okay, okay… Now, I have to understand what triggered it.”

“Do you need anything?”

“Keep breathing, keep counting. And don’t judge me too hard, when I start rambling about all my issues and mental disorders. Not running away might help too.” she chuckled, weakly.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Ellie nodded, thankful.

“Okay, stay calm Ellie. Why your hand? Why now?” she prompted herself.

“Could it be linked to the date? Sorry! I probably should keep my mouth shut!”

“No, it is okay. And you are right. It could be.”

_Disgusting!_

“More specifically… More specifically…”

Ellie forced herself to exhale, following the numbers.

“I… I think it is linked to the recent progress… in my relationship with Dina… to where I’m hoping we are heading.”

_Gross!_

“You mean sex?”

Despite her state of high stress and general weakness, Ellie couldn’t–

_See, even the kid gets it! How could Dina ever want to have sex with you? Have you seen yourself? That hand, all those scars…You’re ugly and disgusting!_

–help but blush.

“How do you even know about that sort of thing, kiddo?”

“I’m sixteen! _Duh_.”

“Yeah, well… You’re wrong, kid!”

Expect, she wasn’t. Not completely, at least. And the older girl knew that.

For months, up until recently, Ellie had forced herself not to hope anything, taking only what Dina was willing to give her. For so long, there were so many things to settle, so many talks to have, so many past decisions to understand, so many reactions to figure out, so many mind patterns to overcome, that she had pushed back, far in her head, many aspects of what their relationship used to be. Among them, the physical aspect of it. From simply holding hands, to, well, _sex_. Ellie wanted–

_Would you even be able to please her with that hand, huh? I don’t think so!_

–it, all of it, more than anything in the world, but she was scared, so scared! Her hand, of course, and all those new scars, all over her body! None of them were exactly aesthetically pleasing!

_Disgusting! Gross! Repulsive!_

Ellie choked on her breathe. Carol squeezed her hands. Both of her hands. And it felt good, despite the pain.

_Repulsive! Freak! Gross! Monster! Unlovable!_

“I know I’m just a kid and all, but I think you look kinda hot! Finger or no fingers!”

A breathless chuckled escaped from Ellie's tensed throat.

“My, my, Carol. Are you hitting on me?”

“Dear Ellie, I would if I wasn’t so afraid of Dina!”

“Wh…What?” Ellie frowned.

“Once again, just a kid talking, but I swear that woman would low key kill anyone who dares to look at you the wrong way or checking you out or anything!”

Ellie smiled slightly.

“There is no way she’ll be grossed out by you! No way! Fence-duty-duty swear!”

“Thanks. But, it is not just the physical aspect… I mean, it is a major issue right now–

_Broken! Ugly! Repulsive! Gross! Undeserving of love!_

–but… The injury on my hand, all the new scars, they come from a very hard time for both of us, a time when I was losing myself and losing everybody I cared about, a time when I abandoned her and JJ, I… What if it is too much for her? Too many bad memories? Too much pain? What if…”

“I… I don’t know what to say, Ellie, and telling you I understand would be hypocrite, because the truth is, I don’t. But, isn’t it worth trying, at least?”

“If… If she pushes me back now, it’s all my life that crumbles, I can’t… I can’t…”

_I can’t lose her. Not without losing myself._

“But what if she doesn’t? What if she doesn’t Ellie?”

Ellie swallowed and she forced herself to think, to live, the brighter outcome. It wasn’t an easy exercise, but, after hours of practice in Jennifer’s office, she had begun to master it.

“O… Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay!”

Carol took a small step back. Ellie tried to stand up. Apparently, her legs were still supporting her.

_That’s good. That’s really good!_

She let out an embarrassed chuckle.

“I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine what you must think of me now.”

“I think you’re just human. And that’s good. Even just on a self-centered point of view.”

“What… What do you mean?”

Carol sight, a vulnerable gleam in her eyes.

“Well, you see, I was born in Jackson, I never had to survive outside or anything. I lost friends and family, of course. I went through hardships and all, but compare to what you, or Joel, or Dina, or all the old folks went through, it is nothing! I know that! But, sometimes it doesn’t matter, it is just too much to bear. But then I feel bad for feeling bad, you know? Compared to what others went through and how they managed to cope and survive and stay strong, I can’t complain in any away. I have no right to do so. But, as I said, it still feels too much to bear sometimes. Seeing you-”

“Weak?”

“No. Not weak. Never. _Human_. Seeing you human is a good reminder that it is okay to feel bad sometimes, and you can be the strongest without always been calm and composed. It is liberating, somehow. So, thanks, Ellie.”

Ellie shyly scratched the back of her neck.

“Well… I… You… You could go talk to Jennifer, it may be helpful. Plus, with how lucid you already seem despite your young age, the student could quickly beat the master.”

“I… I’ll think about that.”

There was a beat of silence.

“So. The suit?”

“Yeah, the suit. Hum… I think I’ll take it!”

“Yeah?”

Ellie swallowed, catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the other side of the shop. She still felt a bit febrile but she would manage.

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5) For that last one, I tried to mimic in my writing how spiraling negative thoughts could invade one’s mind, making it truly and utterly difficult for them to think, to calm down, to speak, to live. I hope it worked, without making the reading completely impossible. Let me know in the comments!
> 
> 6) I hope that chapter wasn’t too depressing. The following will be more hopeful, and meanwhile, you can still reread the first one!


	3. The Farm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0) I did my best to proofread my text, but I’m not a native English-speaker and it is my first work, so I may have left some mistakes. If you spot any, feel free to point them out, I will fix them!
> 
> 1) Somehow, it feels a bit different than the two previous chapters, I’m not sure why, but I hope you’ll like it anyway!
> 
> 2) It is mostly fluff and family shenanigans, but there is a bit of angst here and there.
> 
> 3) Enjoy!

“So, are you ready for Monday?”

“Shouldn’t you ask JJ that?”

“As it took him forever to fall asleep, there is no way I’m waking him up now, so no.” Ellie deadpanned.

Dina shook her head, rolling her eyes, and Ellie’s grin widened. She continued:

“Plus, I’m sure he is beyond ready! You, on the other hand…”

“Oh come on! Don’t act like you don’t feel the same!”

Ellie chuckled, ducking her head. As she was sitting on the bed behind Dina, her hands went to her girlfriend’s back and she started massaging the tense muscles, earning a relieved sigh and a pleased hum.

A comfortable silence settled between the two.

Her massage coming to an end, Ellie began peppering light kisses all over her girlfriend’s shoulders. Between each kiss, she asked: “Better?”, until Dina was laughing out loud, her mind finally off what was troubling her.

Catching her breath, the young mom finally answered:

“Yes. Way better. Thank you, babe.”

An almost shy smile found her way to Ellie’s lips. _God has she missed that nickname…_

It wasn’t the first time Dina had used it, far from it, but it never failed at waking up the butterflies in Ellie’s stomach.

“Good.”

Placing one final kiss on Dina’s shoulder, she moved aside and began slipping under the covers, until she caught Dina’s surprised expression. She frowned:

“What?”

“Nothing!”

“What?”

“Nothing! It’s just… I kind of expected you to ‘distract’ me further.”

An embarrassed blush climbed to Ellie’s cheeks, and she started to stammer, her face getting redder and redder with each passing second.

“Hey, it’s okay, babe. You are more than allowed to not be in the mood.”

“No. No, it’s not that! It’s… I mean… Hum...”

_I’m afraid to overstep…_

“You know we are good, right Ellie?”

“We… we are?”

The look on Ellie’s face was priceless, and, Dina, despite wanting nothing more than reassure her girlfriend, had a hard time not to laugh.

“Yes! Well, on my side, yes, we are!”

“But…”

“But what? Why wouldn’t we be?”

_But I left! I abandoned you and JJ. Have you forgotten? I tried my best to redeem myself, but I never thought we would actually… How can you completely forgive me for that?_

“I don’t know… I… But… I mean… We are? We are good?”

She seemed like she didn’t quite believe it yet, but the broad smile on her face was glowing. Dina, with a soft chuckle, nodded. _Yes, love, we are good._

Ellie’s smile broadened and brightened even more. Toppling her girlfriend, she kissed her face, repeating those three little words over and over between kisses. With each passing kiss, it began to sound less and less like a question, and more and more like an affirmation. Finally, she planted a firm, yet chaste kiss, on Dina’s lip.

“We are good.”

“You know, you look like a lost puppy who just found a new toy.”

“I don’t care. We are good.”

Dina chuckled, a fond and loving gleam in her eyes. Softly, she whispered:

“We really are.”

Her hand went to Ellie’s face, gently touching the delicate skin and softly brushing back a strand of Ellie’s and putting it her behind her ear. The kiss that followed was just as soft, but it quickly grew more heated.

“So, I remember you saying something about me distracting you further...” Ellie mumbled against Dina’s hot lips.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“You sure?”

“JJ’s asleep, Robin isn’t here, so yes I’m pretty sure…”

Yet, despite her saying, Ellie froze. With a dramatic sigh, she fell on her back, moving aside from Dina.

“Babe? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I just… I just… I still feel like I kicked her out of her own house…”

“Ellie… This house was already full of Jesse’s memories, and when Kenzo passed away too… The only reason she stayed was so she can give me and JJ a hand when we…”

“… when I wasn’t there. Because I left.”

“Well, yeah. But you are here now. And, as I said, we are good. You didn’t kick Robin out of her own house, Ellie. On the contrary, you gave her the implicit permission to do something she wanted to do for a long time now, without feeling like she would let people down. Plus, now she is way closer from the Tipsy Bison. There is no way she isn’t happy about that.”

Ellie chuckled and nodded in agreement. Yet, her gaze was still glued on the ceiling.

“Ellie? You still there?”

“Yeah, yeah… Sorry...”

“What is it?”

Ellie sighed.

“It is just… I mean… The all thing with Robin moving out, and now that I’m sure that we are good, it got me thinking.”

“Didn’t know you could do that!”

“Shut up!”

Ellie blindly slapped Dina’s arm.

“Okay, okay. What did you think about?”

“The farm?”

The was a bit of silence.

“I’m sorry if it’s too much! I...”

“No, Ellie, it’s okay I promise. And even if it wasn’t, you are allowed to speak your mind, even if I don’t like it. That is how healthy relationships work. Plus, I have thought about it too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah… I loved our farm. I _love_ our farm, even though there was a time when I couldn’t live there without being haunted by so many ghosts it became unbearable. I do want to move back in… eventually.”

“Eventually?”

“Don’t take me wrong, if it was only up to me, I would have already asked you to move back there with me! But, there are JJ and Robin… I still want JJ to live somewhere he can have space to play and run, somewhere peaceful, somewhere with sheep and horses and a dog.”

“But?”

“But… We built a life here. _He_ built a life here. I mean, he isn’t even in school yet, and he already is the most popular kid in the playground!”

“He is a social butterfly, that’s for sure. He got that from his mother!”

Dina smiled, as she continued:

“He has friends here, in Jackson. He is surrounded by kids his own age, and I think it is as important as him having space to run. I… I don’t want to deprive him of that chance. He also loves his grand-mother, and Robin loves him too. If we move back to the farm, she won’t be able to see him as often, and considering everything she did for us and everything she has already lost, I…”

Dina trailed off, sighing. Ellie reached for her hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“How… How about we only go there for the holidays?”

“We don’t have holidays!”

“We don’t, but JJ does – or at least he will, as soon as he goes to school, which is in two days. Parents often take some days off to go on camping trips with their kids. Maybe we could find an arrangement with Maria to have all of JJ’s holidays off to take him to the farm. Then, when he is older, we could let him choose between spending his time in Jackson or at the farm. And when he is even older, the two of us could settle definitively at the farm, and he’ll come visit, once in a while.”

“Ellie Williams.”

When Dina didn’t add anything else, Ellie prompted, a bit unsure:

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

Relief washed over Ellie, as she replied, smiling:

“I love you too.”

Both of them were, laying on their back, grinning widely, their fingers intertwined. A comfortable silence stretched for a little while, then, almost out of the blue:

“Are you still thinking about that distraction thing?”

“Well… If you are too, yes.”

“Why don’t you come here and test that lovely hypothesis of yours that by yourself, Williams?”

***

They had left JJ in Jackson with his grand-mother and, after packing their tools and took their guns, Dina and Ellie had left the small town. They were both tired, especially Dina, as a nasty bug in Jackson had been putting her on overtime at the infirmary. The situation had settled though, and Maria had authorized them to leave the town. The trip had been pretty quiet. The snow had melted, but it was still cold. They had run on a few infected, but they easily get rid of them. Now, they could see the outline of the old house. The farm. _Their farm._

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just focused. You?”

“Same.”

It wasn’t a total lie, both of them were focusing, but none of them were truly fine. Everything was still and silent. Almost like they never left. Except they had.

“No sign of squatters for now, but there is no such thing as too careful.”

“I agree. You take the front, I take the back?”

“Yeah.”

Hopefully, everything was fine and, after a couple of days of cleaning and reorganizing everything, they could go back to Jackson and take JJ on his first holidays to the farm.

The front door creaked open and Ellie felt her throat tightened, as emotions compressed her chest. She forced herself to swallow and breathe. First, she had to make sure there was no danger, then…

“All clear!”

She knew her voice wasn’t as neutral as she hoped it would be.

“Here too!”

She felt the same tremolo in Dina’s voice. The same tumult of contradictory emotions. She repressed a sob and her hand blindly sought something to hold on to.

_Breathe! Breathe! Come on, Ellie!_

Hanging on to the sink, her joints were turning white. Though it wasn’t flashes _per se_ , she could feel the memories right under the surface her mind, threatening to take over it. Dina’s tears. The harsh words. Her heart tearing apart when she turned her back on Dina, on JJ on their home. The weight of her gear, her old backpack, her gun and rifle, her bow. The withe-burning anger that stopped her from going back and hug Dina. Her demons that prevented her – or so she taught – from staying. The emptiness she found and felt here when she came back here from Santa Barbara. The sadness. The regrets and the remorse. The loneliness. _The loneliness…_ Her biggest fear, a fear she still carried, a fear she would always carry. _Her mistakes. Her weaknesses._

She choked on her breathe.

_Come one, Ellie! Come one!_

“Dina?”

She knew her voice sounded small and insecure, weak even. She didn’t care. There were people in front of whom she was allowed to be vulnerable, from time to time. Now was one of those times.

But when an inarticulate noise, a sobbing cry, was the only response she got her heart jolt in her chest, adrenaline and another kind of fear chasing away the threatening shadows of her past.

She rushed to the back of the house.

“Dina!”

The young mom was there, hunched up on the ground, her breathing labored.

“Dina! Are you hurt?”

Unable to speak, Dina shook her head. _No._ At least not physically. Carefully, Ellie garbed her girlfriend’s shoulders.

“I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are okay. I’m here. I’m here. Focus on me. Only on me.”

Ellie clenched her teeth as she felt her own hands shaking and her breath getting more and more shallow.

“It is an anxiety attack.”

… _And I’m about to have one too._

“Dina, I need you to focus. Here...” she put Dina’s hand on her stomach. “You feel my breath?”

Dina nodded. She even managed to comment:

“It… It’s fast.”

“Yes. Yes, it is. Yours is too. But that’s okay. We will slow our breathing down. Second by second. It is the first step. And we will take it, together, all right? We have all the time in the world. You just have to focus on me, and I’ll focus on you. Okay?”

“ ‘Kay.”

“Good.”

But it wasn’t. Ellie felt on a razor’s edge too, nerves raw.

Yet, against all odds, they managed to clam down, and a few minutes later – though it has felt like hours – they were hugging each other on the dusty floor. Tears were still running on their cheeks, but thoughts and memories weren’t spiraling anymore. Ghosts had returned to their grave.

“S… Sorry...” Dina sniffled.

“What? No, no, please babe, don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for! You had an exhausting week, and this place is triggering. For both of us. It is okay. Jennifer would even go as far as saying it is healthy and sane. It means you are not pushing back and retaining your feelings and emotions.”

“But...”

“Ah. No buts! …Except for yours, because it is pretty amazing!”

Dina snorted weakly, and Ellie smiled, proud of herself. She kept going:

“I’m not even kidding! Your butt is like the greatest and most amazing butt, in the entire history of butts. Why do you think I’m with you?”

This time around, Dina’s laugh was more frank.

“Thanks. Yours is pretty neat too.”

It was Ellie’s turn to snort, as she sat down against the world, without letting go of Dina. The silence that settled was more peaceful than when they first came in. They were both here. Together and stronger than ever. In a couple of days, their son would join them. Whatever happened in the past, would stay in the past. As Dina once said to her, as their relationship restarted, they couldn’t forget what happened, they couldn’t forget the mistakes they both made, and they haven’t, but those mistakes didn’t have to hold them back. On the contrary, by learning from them, they had could become even stronger, both as individuals and as a couple, as a family.

Dina moved slightly, wiping the last traces of tears off her face.

“Ready to move? We have a whole house to fix, and little time to do it!”

“Kiss me first?” Ellie pouted.

“Always.”

“Jesse Joel, come back here!”

But the boy kept running towards the fence. With an amused sigh, Dina chased after him. She caught him by the waist and threw him over her shoulder.

“I don’t like it!”

“I don’t care whether you like it or not, you’re not going out without your coat!”

Dina carried her son to the small porch, where the brown coat lied. Though the boy was trying to get out of his mother’s grips, he couldn’t contain a giggle when Dina spun him around and tickled him. Running and jumping around them, Shimmy, their young dog, was barking joyfully.

When JJ’s mother sat him down to make him put his coat on, he began gesticulating and screaming.

“Elliiiiiie!”

Responding to the boy’s call, the young woman opened the door and leaned against the frame, a smirk dancing on her lips.

“Sorry bud, Mama is right. I know it is sunny, but the air is still cold.”

He pouted, crossing his arm, eyebrows frowned.

“You don’t have a coat! You never have a coat! You only have shirts!”

“That, buddy, is because I’m hot-blooded!”

“I’m hot-blooded too!”

“No, you’re not!”

“Why?”

“Because you’re too young!”

“That’s not fair!”

“But that is how it is, Potato.”

“Stop calling me Potato!”

“Potato! Potato! Potato!”

JJ pouted harder, even throwing a small punch at Ellie. Immediately, Dina seized his hand.

“Ah. No gratuitous violence, son!”

JJ glared at the two grown-ups but grumbled an apology. Satisfied, Dina let a devious smile slip to her lips.

“However, JJ, you are right. Ellie rarely wears a coat. She should be careful. We don’t want her to catch a cold, do we?”

“No. We don’t.”

Ellie frowned and began shaking her head when two pairs of malicious eyes looked her way.

“Oh, come on!”

“What, Ellie? You never heard of teaching by the example?”

“No, never!”

“I’m pretty sure Jennifer mentioned it, the last time she came over!”

“Don’t remember!”

It was a playful banter, but one that Ellie was sure to lose.

“Come on babe, go put a coat on!”

“Yes, Ellie. Put a coat on!”

_Well, Dina, that is definitively your son. No doubt on that._

“Please! Then we’ll drink hot chocolate watching the sunset, before eating that delicious chicken you cooked for us.”

“All right. But only because there is chocolate involved!” Ellie grumbled, pretending to be annoyed.

But her son and girlfriend both saw right through her game, and, when they high-fived each other, she couldn’t help but join the general laughter. Smiling at her family, she whispered:

“I love you.”

Dina, aware of all the emotion behind Ellie’s words, took her hand and squeezed it softly.

“We love you too, babe.”

***

Dina let her son drag her through the vast garden, with a happy giggle. JJ, despite the sunny and warm weather, had been unusually clingy the entire afternoon, to a point Dina had started to worry. She almost broke her promise to not disturb Ellie, who had requested to have a few hours alone to work on some secret project of her. But now, JJ seemed to have regained his usual enthusiasm, and Dina couldn’t have been more pleased.

“Where are you taking me, sweetheart?”

“You’ll see! And stop calling me sweetheart!”

“As you wish, sweetheart.”

JJ stopped, glaring at his mother.

“You are worse than El’, you know that? But I can’t be angry at you now.”

“Wonderful news! But why is that?”

“I don’t know, it is what Ellie said! You can’t be angry at me, and I can’t be angry at you, or whatever!”

Intrigued, Dina followed her son to the big tree at the border of the first garden.

“March in my step! Like exactly in my step, Mama!” JJ ordered.

“Why?”

“I don’t know! Just do it! Please!”

“Okay!”

Playing along, she did exactly as her son wanted her too, though she didn’t understand why. Then, she did.

_Well… Someone definitively studied perspectives!_

In front of her, carefully hidden behind the tree, was Ellie, along with a set of covers, a picnic, and fairy-lights.

“Ellie, it’s… It is beautiful… Wow!”

“Not as much as you. As both of you.”

Under other circumstances, Dina would have teased her girlfriend, but tonight, the idea didn’t even cross her mind.

“Shall we?”

“Of course!”

They settled on the covers and began eating. It was a peaceful and warm evening.

“You said you had gifts!” suddenly blurted JJ.

Dina burst out laughing, as Ellie blushed, glaring at the boy who remained unimpressed.

“I did say that to you. It was the only way to ensure your help and your discretion… But yes, I have gifts. However, you’ll have to be a bit more patient, JJ.”

The boy pouted, before rolling his eyes and nodding. Dina and Ellie chuckled at the way their son was able to take and mimic some of their antics.

Ellie stood up, and wave at the tree trunk. Engrave in the wood, their three initials were surrounded by a heart and more fairy lights.

“JJ, your mom and I first wrote this when we settled here, and, a bit later, I added your name. Today I wanted to renew the silent promise I made so long ago, in front of that very tree. And this time, I won’t ever br…” she stopped with a grimace.

Now was not the time to wake up painful memories.

“…But that, JJ, is a story for another day. Anyway, with you, with both of you, I am happier than I ever believed it was even possible to be. I love you both so much, words can’t properly express it. Or maybe it’s just because I am not good with them? And I also know I’m not the most romantic person on the planet, far from it, but… For some time now, I have been looking for a way to show you what all of this means to me, what you mean to me, but the truth is, I can’t. One gesture, no matter how big or how cheesy, won’t be able to exhaust even half of it. But it is okay, it is completely okay because I intend on proving and showing it to you every single day of my life, with small gestures, and bigger ones. And songs. Lots of songs.”

“You… You already do, Ellie…”

Ellie smiled, almost shyly.

“Yes, well… Today, I wanted to do a grand gesture, or, at least, a special gesture.”

Ellie plunged her hand in her suit’s pocket, before dropping on one knee.

“Oh my God, Ellie…” Dina whispered, a hand against her heart, blinking fast.

“It is far from perfect, but I didn’t want anything that might have been worn by someone else or stolen from them or anything, so I made it myself. The necklace is for you and the pin for me, if you want it to, of course. I know these days it doesn’t mean much, and I’m not even sure it is the proper way to do it. I mean, I already know I should have offered you a ring instead, but this felt righter, better, somehow. I did some research too, but it is quite confusing, and, unlike you, I don’t know a lot about religion and Judaism. We could probably build a _chuppah_ and find some glass to break, but we don’t have a Rabbi around. Plus, even if we had, from what I understood, religious weddings can only be between a man and a woman, so… But you probably knew that! So maybe you don’t want anything remotely religious? Or maybe you don’t even want anything resembling a wedding? I’m s…”

“Are you gonna ask?”

“Wh… What?”

“The question. Are you gonna ask it?”

“Well… I thought the gesture would be explicit enough….”

“Uh uh, Williams. You gotta ask.”

Despite the teasing and fond gleam in Dina’s eyes, Ellie couldn’t quite manage to relax. She swallowed, and breathed before finally asking:

“Dina Cascina Woodward, will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

A bright smile enlightened Ellie’s face, and Dina wasn’t much better as she fiercely kissed her. They fell on the grass laughing and kissing, beaming.

“Ew! And I’m still waiting for my present!”

Arms crossed, JJ was glaring at them.

“Okay, okay.”

Ellie stood up and grabbed something in her backpack.

“That is for you, Potato.”

JJ tore the wrapping paper in no time.

“Be careful, it is fragile!”

Once he saw what was inside, his touch became lighter, softer. His eyes sparkled and he squealed:

“It’s a guitar! Mama, it’s a guitar! Look!”

Dina peeked inside the box, where lied a small wooden guitar crafted by Ellie. In the left bottom corner of the guitar body, the young woman had drawn a small star of David and the _chai_ symbol watching over their little family and matching the designs of Dina’s brand new necklace and Ellie’s pin.

The boy threw himself in Ellie’s arms, who caught him with an emotional laugh.

“Thank you, El’! Will you teach me how to play?”

“Of course, kiddo, of course.”

***

Shots tore through the peaceful silence of the countryside. In the field, the sheep raised their heads before returning quickly to the green grass in front of them.

“Four out of seven. Not bad, not bad. But you can do better!”

“Oh, come on! I don’t know where you get that shit, but it isn’t even balanced. And I swear the barrel is definitively not straight and… Why are you laughing? You think you can do better, Eight-Fingers?”

Ellie scoffed:

“Oh-oh! That how you want to play it, Potato? Gimme that gun!”

More bullets were shots on the old cans a few feet ahead.

“Fuck!”

“Ah-ah! You only hit six of them.”

“Yeah, well… That’s still better than you!”

But deep down, Ellie was worried. Yes, she had hold better guns than this old rifle that probably didn’t shot straight even before the Outbreak. But, in the world they were living in, high-quality equipment wasn’t always available. Being able to get the best out of what you could find was an essential skill to survive and to protect your loved one. _MacGyvering_ – as Joel used to call that – was something she had always being good at, but it has been a long time since she had been put to the test. What if she had lost the skills? What if she couldn’t protect her loved ones anymore?

_Oh, come on, Ellie! It is just one missed shot with a shitty gun!_

“El’, look! Mama is back!”

Perched on Golden, against the light of the setting sun, the wind playing softly with her hair, Dina looked – at least to Ellie – like a goddess from these old books both JJ and his mother enjoyed.

She dismounted her horse and came to them. On her shoulder, two dead rabbits were swinging.

“How was hunting, Mama?”

“Good. Two rabbits, as you can see, and a deer. Speaking of, it may need to be cut up.”

“I’ll do it, meanwhile, you and JJ can cook the meal.” Ellie said hastily

“Are you alright, El?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine. Just come get me when the diner is reading.”

“Will do.”

A few minutes later, Ellie was in the small remote hut where they cut down and stored the big game. The deer was on the wooden table and Ellie was sharpening the knife. Mindlessly, she began cutting down the meat, tearing the skin apart and getting rid of the inedible or gross parts, while salting and storing the good ones in the old freezer Dina and JJ somehow managed to fix.

Before she even realized it, the sky had gone dark and the stars were shimmering.

“Hey.”

Ellie turned her head to Dina, leaning against the frame of the door. She sketched a smile.

“Hey, you.”

She washed her hand, and let Dina encircle her waist and press her forehead against her shoulder with a light kiss.

“You’re tensed.” the young mom noticed

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. What is troubling you?”

“Will I get away with it if a tell you ‘nothing’?”

“Probably not.”

“And ‘I don’t know’? Because I really don’t know! I… We had chopped some woods and shaved the sheep, and we were just shooting on cans, teasing and challenging each other, like we often do, and, I don’t know. I missed a can, and… Dina, am I getting weak?”

“What? No. No, you’re not! Why would you even think that?”

“It’s just… I have a history of not being able to protect the people I love, and I don’t want to be unable to protect you… Both of you!”

“Ellie… I love you, _we_ love you, but not for your ability to protect us. You are more to us than your muscles and your survival skills, no matter how impressive they are. Plus, I am more than able to protect myself. I can protect my son, or even you if I have too. I’ve already done it. And JJ is learning how to fight and survive by himself – not that I ever want him to be in that situation. Besides, you, Ellie Williams, are not getting weak. _We_ are not getting weak.”

“I… I know, I just…”

Ellie trailed off, shaking her head with a tired sigh. Dina kissed her cheek, and stroke her back reassuringly.

“Despite being on holiday, you do know we can go back to Jackson if you need to speak with Jennifer, right? Or we could send her one of those damn pigeons you somehow managed to tame if you want.”

Ellie chuckled lightly.

“No, I’m fine. I… I’m just a bit tired, that’s all. I… If it doesn’t get better in the next couple of days, then yes, I’ll go to Jennifer. But for now, I’m good. Plus, tonight it is movie night, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ellie’s smile was already brighter. She had found herself needing Jennifer’s help while being at the farm, and she knew it could – _would_ – happen again. But not this time. Right now, she was with her family, and they were safe and happy, that is all that mattered. Right now, her inner darkness could not take that away. Right now, as long as they were together, and with a little exterior help, she could keep her demons at bay. She could be happy. _She was happy_.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.”

They kissed, soft and chaste.

“Come on, let’s see what movie JJ chooses.”

By the time they came back to the living room, JJ was already slumped on the couch, his plate in hand, the main menu of the disc on the screen.

“What have you choose, Potato?”

“ _Viper and Curtis 2_!”

Ellie froze. She felt Dina soft but concerned gaze on her. She looked up to catch those brown and deep eyes she loved so much. She basked in their love and warmth.

“Excellent choice, JJ. Excellent choice…”

She sat down and put her arm around JJ’s shoulders, holding him close, and kissed the top of his head. She felt him tense for a second and saw his dramatic grimace at the unusual display of affection. She saw Dina's quick frown, as she silently told her son not to say anything. She felt Dina’s hand on hers. It felt good. She felt at peace, at least for now.

“So, are you gonna press play or what, Potato?”

JJ’s mouth fell agape, in a dramatic outraged expression.

“How can you even… Whatever! Here, press it yourself!”

He threw the remote control at Ellie, who caught it with a quick but fond laugh. JJ commented:

“Not bad, Eight-Fingers!”

“You…”

“So, are you gonna press play or what, El’?”

Finally, it was Dina who pressed play, and the three of them sunk into the couch, their mind absorbed by the screen in front of them.

***

There were two horses at the farm’s front door, and two more in the small stable they build one summer.

“So, are you all set?”

“We should be the ones asking you that, Mama!”

“I know, I know, but… Look, son, when I look at you, I can’t help but see either your father or Ellie, and both of them always forgot something when we went out patrolling, so…”

“Why are my ears burning?” teased Ellie, as she came back in the living room.

She handed a small box made of cardboard to JJ.

“Here, more ammo. Just in case.”

“El’, the sector is regularly cleared, and we have been doing back and forth for three days now, we won’t come across any infected.”

“Yeah, well, you’ll give them to Jason! He loves those! It is a donation for Jackson’s armory! Anyway… Lisa, can we have a word with you?”

Immediately, JJ jump between his girlfriend and his parents.

“Nope. You are not doing that! None of you are!”

“It is just a friendly chat, Potato.”

“Yeah, I know how your friendly chats go, El’!”

“Oh, come on! What happened to ‘love is stronger than fear’ or whatever?”

“Turns out both of you are way more terrifying than anything I could have ever imagined!”

The four of them laughed and nodded. If she had been here, Jane, the first girl who broke JJ’s heart would have agreed too. Until the day she died, she would remember the evening Ellie and Dina knocked on her door after she dumped JJ earlier that day.

“Don’t worry, I heard the stories. I won’t break JJ’s heart, nor hurt him in any way.”

“Good. Also, stay safe, and, you know, use protection, if you can. I am way too young to be a grandmother just yet...”

“Mama!” JJ yelled as he and Lisa blushed fiercely.

“… but if it ever happens, don’t worry, it won’t be easy but you’ll live through it, and, more importantly, we want to be the first to know. We are officially not living in Jackson anymore, but there is no way the whole fucking town learns we are going to be grand-mothers before us!”

“Okay, enough! Bye Mama! Bye El’!”

JJ pretended to rush through the door, dragging his girlfriend with him, but he quickly stopped. Turning back, he tightly hugged Dina and Ellie.

“I love you.”

“We love you too. Be safe, kiddos!”

“Don’t worry, we will. And we’ll come back next weekend. Uncle Tommy and Aunt Maria will probably tag along, too. And Carol. And Jennifer. And… Damn, I’ve never realized how popular you two are!”

“Gee! Thanks!”

They laughed, and the two young adults mounted their horses. Hand in hand, they walked towards the gate, after a last wave at Ellie and Dina.

“They are cute together.”

“They are.”

“But, if she, or he...”

“Oh yeah!”

They chuckled. Ellie circled Dina’s waist and put her chin on her shoulder, rocking them gently as JJ and Lisa were becoming small dark points floating over the horizon.

“They’ll be fine.”

“I know.”

“We raised him well, and she is a nice and strong girl too.”

“We did, and she is.”

Ellie buried her face in the crook of Dina’s neck and breathed in fully.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Ellie began peppering soft kisses over her wife’s neck and shoulders, earning a weak yet soft laugh, as Dina took a small step back, pressing herself against Ellie. It was a new chapter of their life, and though some adjustments would surely be needed, for now, everything was good. Better than good, even.

“It has been a while since we have been truly alone together. You know, just the two of us. No kid, no fence duty, no patrol, no neighbors.”

Ellie smiled against Dina’s skin as they intertwined their fingers.

“It sure sounds like heaven.”

“I know, right?”

Ellie tightened her grip around Dina, planting a firm kiss the other girl’s cheek.

“How about we move that heaven to our room?”

Dina chuckled, a smug and teasing smile on her lips.

“Lead the way, babe!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4) I hope you liked it, and that it wasn’t too cheesy. I love Dina and Ellie, and I want to believe they found their peace and her happiness, hopefully together, but they still live in a post-apocalyptic world, and both have their own traumas to cope with, so… Yeah, that may be a bit too cheesy! XD I hope you like it nonetheless!
> 
> 5) At first, I wanted Ellie to sing for her proposal, but I didn’t see her covering an already existing song and despite my numerous attempts, my brain wouldn’t come up with something ‘Ellie-esque’, or even just something that resembles a song, so I’ll leave the task to someone with more musical talents than me!
> 
> 6) The next chapter will be a bit different, as it will focus on one event in particular, and there will be a bit more angst.


	4. A trip down memory lane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0) I did my best to proofread my text, but I’m not a native English-speaker and it is my first work, so I may have left some mistakes. If you spot any, feel free to point them out, I will fix them!
> 
> 1) A bit different, shorter, angsty but hopeful, I hope you’ll like it anyway. Tell me in the comments!
> 
> 2) Enjoy!

“Where the hell are you taking me?”

Ellie laughed and patted JJ’s shoulder.

“You’ll see, birthday-boy, you’ll see!”

JJ had just turned fifteen and he and Ellie were on their way to a place the young woman had kept secret.

“I hope we will be home in time for the party tonight!”

“Don’t worry, we will!”

They were walking down a narrow cliff road, JJ ahead, Ellie right behind him. Underneath them, a quiet river was running.

“Uh, Ellie, you sure that’s the right way?”

“Yup!”

“Then why is it a dead en-”

Before he could even finish his sentence, JJ was pushed into the void, with a surprised scream. Laughing, Ellie dived after him. Puffing and panting, coughing, and writhing in the water, JJ glared at her.

“What the hell… Eight-Fingers!”

Everything suddenly became very silent. Ellie blinked. The surname was new, she knew her son was only teasing. _Right?_ He never seemed bothered by her injury, on the contrary. Once, in 6th grade, he even had gotten in a fight, defending Ellie’s honor, against a kid who had dared to make fun of her injured hand. JJ seemed as shocked as her by the words that just came out of his mouth. It didn’t mean to hurt her at all! It was just his injured ego manifesting its outraged and surprise, in a teasing way. He opened his mouth to apologize, a blurt of water collided with his face. Despite the water in his ears, he heard a triumphant “Potato!” been yelled at him in a laugh. Shaking his head, he retaliated with an exaggerated battle cry that made Ellie laugh even harder.

“Okay, that’s enough kiddo!”

“Why, old woman? Exhausted already?”

The truth was both of them were out of breath, and the water was pretty cold.

“Nope! But if you want to be home in time so you can smarten yourself up to seduce Jane, we should get going!”

“What… I’m not… It’s… Whatever, Eight-Fingers! Lead the way!”

Once again, Ellie laugh.

“Okay!”

About half an hour later, Ellie was pushing open the door of an old museum.

“Tada!”

JJ carefully stepped inside, eyes up, sparkling.

“Wow!”

“Yup! Here!”

Finding her childlike innocence, at least for now, Ellie dragged her son towards the center of the exposition, a bright smile on her lips.

“Is that...”

“Yup. Dinosaurs. Actual dinosaurs! Well, their skeletons, actually, but, you know, close enough!”

“Wow!” JJ repeated.

Giggling, he roamed the aisles, with occasional “Wow”, listening to Ellie’s explanations. Unfortunately, despite the young woman’s best effort, JJ wasn’t as fond of dinosaurs as she was.

“This way. There is something you’ll like even more!”

As they stepped into the planetarium, JJ stopped, dumbstruck.

“Wow! Ellie that’s…”

“And you haven’t seen half of it yet, kiddo!”

Stars and space was something that fascinated all three of them, Dina, JJ, and Ellie. When he saw the room dedicated to the moon landing, JJ was literally bouncing with excitation. Opening up hood and engine, he began to babble about technical terms Ellie didn’t even know about – he had taken that from his mother – but she couldn’t have been more pleased to see her son so full of joy.

“Close your eyes. I have one last surprise for you.”

Carefully, she guided him to the capsule. She put earphones in his ears and a helmet on his head.

“Alright. Open them!”

She let him a few seconds to observe everything and to put his hands on the lever, before pressing play. A bright smile enlightened JJ’s face, as he closed his eyes to enjoy the experience even better, his finger playing with the buttons and the levers.

After the record ended, they sat there, in silence, for several minutes, both beaming with joy. Finally, JJ spoke.

“That was amazing El’. Thank you.”

“My pleasure kid, my pleasure...” she whispered.

She was getting emotional. She hated it, but she couldn’t help it. If JJ noticed, he didn’t call her on it, and she couldn’t have been more grateful.

“How… How did you find this place?”

“Well...” Ellie chuckled lightly, “Joel brought me here, for my fifteen birthday.”

“Oh.”

JJ knew who Joel was, just like he knew about Jesse, his father, of course, though he didn’t know the whole story. JJ knew Joel had been very important to Ellie, he knew that, in a way, he still was.

“Yeah.”

“Well… Thanks. I’m mean… I’m touched you shared this with me. I’m sure it wasn’t like easy.”

“I have to admit, I hesitated, but I’m really glad I did.”

“I’m glad too. It was awesome.”

It should have been the departure signal – there were still a lot of things to discover, a little time to do it if they wanted to be home in time – but none of them were moving. Suddenly, it struck Ellie. All those times, she had waited for the right moment, but there wouldn’t be one. Some moments were better than other sure, but there wouldn’t be _the_ right moment. There was no way to make it easier, or less painful – for both of them.

“I… I didn’t plan on telling you all this now, but… Now that we are in there, and… JJ, would you like to hear a story?”

Despite Ellie’s effort to appear neutral and serene, JJ immediately picked up the heaviness of the moment. Yet, he wanted to know. For some time now, he had felt this urge, this desire to discover his mothers' past, his history, his origins. Heart hammering in his chest, he nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Yes, I am El’.”

Exhaling, Ellie began. At first, she went slowly, constantly checking JJ’s facial expression, waiting when he frowned and only picking up her story when he nodded. She could almost see the wheel turning in his mind, lighting up some bulbs. Yet, as the story progressed, Ellie found herself unable to stop. She probably should have. It was a lot to take in, perhaps even too much, but she couldn’t stop. And JJ’s absorbed expression, despite the occasional grimaces of fear, pain, or even disbelief, didn’t help. She told him everything. Riley, the mall, the bite, the Fireflies, her immunity, Joel, Tess, Henri and Sam, the university, Joel’s injury, David, the giraffes, Saint-Mary’s hospital, Joel’s lie, Jackson, Dina, Jesse – _his father –_ Cat, her new found happiness, finding out the truth, her anger and despair, her sadness, her guilt, Joel’s death, Abby and Seattle, her quest for revenge, her destructive rage, Dina’s pregnancy, Jesse’s – _his father’s_ – death, the farm, her mistake, her disorder, her flashes and panic attacks, the lingering fire inside her that she was afraid to see burn them all down one day, Tommy’s visit, how she left, Santa Barbara, letting go of Abby and Lev, the trip back to Jackson, the empty farm and Robin’s welcoming house, her sorrow, her guilt, her fucked up mind, Jennifer, Carol, how she slowly pick herself together, how they pick themselves together, how they became a family again, yet how her shadows still lurked, how much she loved them, how much she loved him, how much she loved his mother, how sorry she was for everything she had done wrong, how she tried to do better every day.

When she stopped, her voice was hoarse, and her cheeks were soaked in tears. By her side, JJ’s breathing was harsh. She couldn’t bring herself to look at his face, afraid she’d see disgust and fear. Hastily, the teenager got out of the capsule and began pacing the floor, stammering and writhing in disbelief.

“How… What… Why… How...”

“JJ...”

Ellie wanted to go to him, hug him, hold him, but he stopped her with a harsh glare.

_What were you expecting? You can’t blame him from reacting this way, after the bomb you just dropped on him! All he can see now is how you got his father killed, how you left them when both him and his mother were at their most vulnerable, how you could have given him a better world but didn’t. What have you done, old girl, what have you done…_

“I…”

“Don’t even...”

A sudden noise pushed back the moment though, as they both draw their guns. A few seconds later they both exclaimed, surprised:

“Dina?”

“Mama?”

JJ’s mother smiled though a bit sadly, like she already knew. _Of course, she knew!_

“How did you...”

“I know you, babe.”

“Mama? Did… Do you know all of this? The… All of this?”

“Well, I have been around for most of the story, and, as far as I can tell, Ellie told me what happened when I wasn’t, so yeah. I do.”

“But… But how could you even… I mean… You, both of you, you… It’s… That’s…”

_Unforgivable. The words he is looking for is ‘unforgivable’. And he is right._

It has been a while since Ellie had felt that raw. The growing compression in her chest, the incessant shudder down her spine, the sake in her hands, the sobs forcing their way up her throat.

“I’m gonna go check the perimeter.” she hastily muttered, her voice broken and hoarse.

She rushed past Dina’s comforting hand and disappeared in the dark corridor.

Inevitably, her steps lead her to another part of the museum that time hadn’t preserved as well as the rest. Yet, despite the ambient decay, it was still there. The tag. _Liars!_ The fireflies’ emblem. _Liars!_

She crumbled, sobbing and choking, as a heavy weariness fell on her shoulder, contaminated her blood, poisoned her mind, corroded her best resolves, her best efforts, her best progress. It has been a while, since her last attack. Voices began to scream in her head. Could she still confront them? Could she find the one telling her that it was all right, that nothing was lost yet, that she couldn’t give up, that JJ would forgive her, that Dina would still stand by her side? Could she hold on to it?

She couldn’t have told after how long Dina and JJ found her. _Long._ Yet, by the time they got there, she had managed to calm down a bit, and their presence had only helped. Soon, she was back on her feet, though she still felt weak and exhausted. Wiping her tears, she quickly eyed toward JJ. He still looked defiant and angry but somehow less than before.

_See? It’s good. Everything is good. You haven’t lost your family. You won’t._

This time, she took the reassuring hand Dina was extending to her and squeezed it. There was a beat of silence.

“I… It is probably already too much, but now that we are all here… now that JJ knows… there is something else I want to get off of my chest. I… Once again, it probably isn’t wise, but somehow, I feel like if I don’t do it now, I won’t ever be able to do it. Which is stupid, of course. And we can always come back on it later if one of you want, but…”

“It’s okay, babe. What is it?”

Ellie inhaled deeply.

“I… I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Some I did, to survive. Others may have been more gratuitous. But I learned that, even in this world, violence never is the only answer. The… Violence is a vicious circle, a deadly spiral that crushes not only yourself but everyone around you, all your loved ones. Getting out of it is one of the hardest things in the world, if that’s even possible. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to fall into that dark abyss, especially not you, and not because of me. Just like Joel, just like many of the damned souls roaming this Earth, I’ve done things that may trigger a vendetta, my head may be at the end of someone’s vengeful journey, I may have started some dark and vicious circle. It is possible that one day, I will have to pay a high price for my past actions. If so, it surely won’t be fair, but it won’t be unfair either, it’s… What I mean is that I’ve accepted that. I truly have. I can’t ask you to do so, but I want you to promise me something.”

“What?” asked Dina, softly.

She knew where Ellie was getting at. In a way, tacitly, they already talked about it, she already accepted Ellie’s wish. JJ, frowning, seemed less sure.

“Promise me, both of you, that, whatever happens, you’ll always think about your safety first. Whatever happens, I can’t have you getting hurt or killed saving me. I literally can’t. I wouldn’t survive it.”

Ellie saw Dina swallow hard.

“I promise.”

The other woman nodded with a small smile.

“JJ?”

“I…”

They could see the conflict within him. The anger, the lingering shock, the slow realization of what Ellie was asking him, the painful exercise of putting himself in the shoes a future him where everything Ellie thought possible was happening…

“JJ.”

Dina’s tone was empathetic but firm.

“I… I promise.”

A wave of relief washed over Ellie.

“Thanks.”

It wasn’t quite over yet, though.

“Two more things. Two more promises. If I actually die at the hand of someone my past actions hurt, I need to know that none of you will throw themselves into any kind of revenge quest, hoping to find some kind of peace. You won’t, and it won’t bring me back. It will only make the world a little darker, it will only make you a little darker, and I don’t want that. I don’t want my death to spoil your life.”

Crossing his arms, JJ muttered something under his breath. Dina glared at him, and Ellie lowered her eyes, sadness, and guilt crushing her stomach.

“I am aware that it is a bit hypocrite, considering I’ve done every single thing I’m asking you not to do, but… Perhaps it is hopeful thinking but I can’t stop thinking that if Joel had clearly said all of this to me, I won’t have...” Ellie suddenly stopped, and chuckled bitterly: “But then again, maybe he wanted to have that talk, and I pushed him away, so…”

“Ellie, babe, don’t think like that, please.”

“Yeah, sorry… Anyway, can you promise me that? Not throwing everything away and diving into darkness just to kill my killer?”

Dina nodded, and then JJ, slowly, a fire in his eyes.

“Finally… It is something I’ve been thinking about for a few months now, though I didn’t say anything about it yet. I wanted to be the first to know, though I’ll have to talk to Maria and Tommy and all of Jackson’s leaders and key players about it too...”

This time, Dina seemed surprised, worried even. She frowned:

“What is it, babe?”

“When I die, I want my body to be conserved, I want a surgeon or bunch of scientists to be found so they can study me, study my immunity, and, hopefully, find a cure. Same thing if I am too sick or too injured. As long as I am able to enjoy life with you, with all of you, my friends, and family, I will do everything I can, everything it takes, to do so. But from the moment I can’t, from the moment I become a burden to you, or, very selfishly, from the moment I’m in too much irremediable pain, I want to leave peacefully, taking my last chance at giving you a better world.”

“Ellie…”

“Dina.”

Despite her emotion, Ellie’s tone was firm. Her resolve was unshakable. Dina narrowed her eyes, ready for a debate, ready for a fight, but, somehow, she saw how determined Ellie was. Plus, deep down, she knew it wasn’t her choice to make, but Ellie’s and Ellie’s alone, whether she liked or not, and she would respect that.

“However, to do so in the most effective way possible, we have to begin inquiring for such things – surgeon, doctors, scientists, but also medical facilities and tools – right now. Discretely though of course, without giving away to much of course. I’ll ask Maria, Jennifer, and Doctor Martin to ask questions accordingly to newcomers and fills those pieces of information, so we can access it later when it is time. I know it may not be easy for you to accept, you’ll probably need time to wrap your heads around all that, and, if you want, we can discuss it further later. For now, I need you to promise you’ll honor my wishes. Please.”

Dina and JJ looked at each others for several seconds, almost as if they were talking telepathically. Finally, the teenager shrugged. Maybe it was because he was younger, or still very angry at Ellie – probably both – but that last promise seemed less conflicting for him, while he seemed to have already made peace with the two previous.

“ ‘Kay. I promise.”

Dina nodded too, eyes still glued on the woman she loved. With a sighed, JJ picked up his gun.

“We should go.”

Ellie and Dina let him take the lead. Ellie had cleaned the place for several days before taking JJ here, and they both knew their son could handle one lost clicker.

Ellie looked up to Dina, feeling suddenly very vulnerable, as she felt the tears in her eyes.

“Do… Do think he’ll ever forgive me?”

Dina cupped Ellie’s face with both of her hands, soft and sweet. Ellie closed her eyes, diving into the feeling, leaning in.

“He already has. He just doesn’t know it yet. But don’t worry, it won’t take too long either.”

“You sure?”

“Positive. He loves you. And, for that matter, it was very brave of you. A bit chaotic, but very brave. I’m proud of you, and I love you.”

“I love you too.”

With a smile, Dina gave her tender peck on the lips.

“Let’s go.”


	5. The Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0) I did my best to proofread my text, but I’m not a native English-speaker and it is my first work, so I may have left some mistakes. If you spot any, feel free to point them out, I will fix them!
> 
> 1) Sorry for the long (and truly unplanned) absence! :(
> 
> 2) More notes at the end!
> 
> 3) Enjoy! :)

Ellie played the first notes lightly, focused. She should have been a little stressed – she always was before playing a song she wrote in front of people she loved and cared for. Yet, right now, she wasn’t. She felt good. Truly good. The kind of good she once thought she could never taste again. 

The melody, the words… _Her melody, her words_ … All at once, they felt like she had worked for decades on that song, and like everything just popped up in her mind, fresh and new and raw.

_You are my compass,_

_My one true north,_

_The one I’ve always been searching for._

_A strong pull rooted deep down my heart,_

_An inescapable force keeping it beating,_

_I never want to stop feeling._

‘ _Cause baby you are my…_

_My compass, my one true north,_

_The one I’ll never stop searching for._

_It may not always have looked that way, I know_

_But even when I was lost, a whirling needle turning in circles,_

_Deep down I was still longing for those feelings you gave me._

‘ _Cause baby you are my…_

_My compass, my one true north,_

_The one I’ll never stop searching for._

_I refused the answer when it was right in front of me – and for that I’m sorry._

_Lost to the capricious winds of life, I roamed this sad land,_

_But nothing gave me the rightness you so kindly offered._

‘ _Cause baby you are my…_

_My compass, my one true north,_

_The one I’ll never stop searching for._

_Now that I found you again, stronger than ever,_

_I’ll never ever dare to let it slip through my hands,_

_You’re the ones who keep me sane, safe, and warm._

‘ _Cause baby you both are …_

_My compass, my one true north,_

_The two irreplaceable pieces of my being,_

_The one I’ve always been searching for._

_The ones that make me better and better,_

_with each passing kiss, with each passing smile._

‘ _Cause you Dina, our son JJ, his father Jesse, my father Joel, Robin, Maria, Carol, Jonas, and all of Jackson all are …_

That last verse has not been written beforehand and losing her rhythm, Ellie had been more or less talking, though the small but fond laugh she got from Dina at her improvisation was definitively worth it. The young woman quickly found her footing, however:

_My compass, my one true north._

_Wherever you might be, here with me or among the stars, you all are my…_

_My compass, my one true north,_

_Irreplaceable pieces of my being,_

_The ones I’ve always been searching for._

_The ones that make me better and better,_

_with each passing kiss, with each passing smile,_

_With each warm memories, past, present, or future._

_I found you, and if there is a God above,_

_I’ll never thank him enough for the love you all gave me,_

_I can only pray I’ll one day, of it all, be worthy._

“You are, Ellie. You always have been.”

The End!

(Unless it is not?

Read the end notes!

I'm annoying with that, I know

But please? XD )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3) I have no musical talents whatsoever and this is my first attempt at writing a song, so I have no idea if and how “You are my compass” could ever be sung or be accompanied by a guitar, but I hope the finish is not too bad. I also hope it is ‘Ellie-esque’ enough! Let me know in the comment what you think!
> 
> 4) I didn’t deliberately detail where, in the timeline I tried to build over in the preceding chapters, that short moment took place. So, when do you think this (sweet, I hope) scene happened? Where? At what time of the year/day? With who and how? Keyboard to the ready! XD
> 
> 5) So, that was the last true chapter, though I was thinking about doing a series, by adding stories focusing on either how I see past events of Ellie’s and/or Dina’s life, or on some of the others characters like JJ, or my OCs like Carol, Jennifer, or Jonas. What do you think about that?
> 
> 6) Thanks for reading! :)


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